There comes a time when silence seems to be the only option. You grow tired of fighting the tide, of trying to understand everything and everyone, and you feel the need to escape, yet that escape often lies within ourselves: in reflection, in distance, in solitude... in silence.
It is a powerful realization to discover that, at the end of the day, we are truly alone, even when surrounded by the most important people in our lives. There are activities and moments, regardless of who is with us, that we must ultimately face on our own.
Clearly, I remain a deeply emotional person; while my breaking points occur less frequently now, they still happen. What scares me most is knowing I possess the tools to navigate those feelings, yet sometimes we truly want to experience them, sometimes we really want to cry, to disappear, and to be alone.
Today, someone truly important to me broke my heart. That moment came after a succession of days, weeks, and even months during which, in the name of love, I tolerated behaviors that I knew all along would lead to this outcome. Yet, being the fool that I am, I keep telling myself there are people worth giving a chance. And yes, I call myself a fool because every time I tell myself this, I end up getting hurt; all I’m really doing is delaying the inevitable moment of the breakup.
It’s incredible what I put up with just to try to fit into society, into a group, or sometimes even within my own home. If only they knew how easy it would be for me to simply show my true self and stop worrying about others, though the saddest part is that this is precisely my problem: constantly putting others before myself. It’s a stumbling block I’ve tripped over more than once...
I have mixed feelings about my personality; I like it, yet I hate it at the same time. I am one of the kindest people I know, and you wouldn't believe the tight spots I’ve gotten myself into just to avoid hurting others, even people I don't even know. Of course, this has brought good things into my life, helping others eventually pays off, but that same kindness also makes me an easy target for being walked all over.
You definitely have to protect everything in life, even your own goodness. If you’re reading this, you’ve probably realized that my whole problem stems from not learning to set boundaries early on; now that I’m waking up to this, everything is more complicated.
I know I’ll get through this. I know the answers to my own problem, even if I don't like them, but some hardships are necessary. At my age, I shouldn't be pouring my heart out in these midnight reflections; I should be out enjoying my Sunday. But believe me, writing these lines in the early hours will help me have a sublime Sunday.
These photos are of a small plaza very close to my home, one I had never even noticed before. It is Plaza Madre Carmen Rendiles; coincidentally, she was one of the first saints canonized at the Vatican last year. At the far end of the plaza stands a statue of Saint José Gregorio Hernández as well; the two are almost always depicted together now, as they were the first Catholic saints from Venezuela.
I wonder if it was mere chance that led me here, without even knowing the place existed, especially after the terrible day I’d had. The plaza was completely empty and silent, offering plenty of space to sit beneath a tree; the only visitor was a beautiful cat that rubbed against my legs before wandering off. Yet, it was the perfect spot to escape from everything and everyone, exactly what I had been looking for when I decided to leave the house.
I can no longer be the kind of person who waits for others to apologize, even though I’m dying for that to happen deep down. Disrespect is all too common, and part of maturing is accepting that this is simply how life is; all I can do now is make the necessary changes so that these terrible moments don't happen again.
I always rise stronger after every blow, but I’m still human, every stab in the back still hurts, and this time, I’ve decided to remain silent. I know when words are just empty air, and I can recognize when someone doesn't truly care about my opinion; the only thing left is to learn not to let it hurt quite so much.
I’m always the one who picks up the pieces and acts as if nothing happened, which is why everyone else just carries on as usual. But not this time. The older I get, the more I learn, and sadly, the people you love have flaws, too. Plenty of them. I can no longer use love as an excuse to put up with disrespect; I need to make these changes to protect my "Sublime Sundays"...