A few months ago, I wrote about going back to therapy after a few years of not being medicated after I got diagnosed with PTSD back in 2016. All those years, I just kind of learned how to deal with the problems using the things the therapist had taught me. Then 2 years ago I had a really long burnout from having a lot of changes in my life and all that stuff. I decided to go to therapy to get help with finally getting out of that burnout because it is affecting my life real hard to the point of me not really being able to do simple tasks anymore.
On the first day of therapy, it was really great. It was a very huge relief for me to finally start talking about things that bother me. It was a validating experience. I just burst out in tears the moment I went in lol.
For the therapist to know how to help me, she was asking me what happened during the start of burnout. Was there bad stuff that happened, what triggered it, was there failure, etc etc. I really didn't know what to say... since I had none. In fact I was actually successful and I was slowly getting recognition and exhibits and more. I was able to move out and live on my own because my parents' house was one of the stressors.
We talked about my childhood and how I got my PTSD and so I was also able to tell her that the thing that keeps on circling back and forth in my mind was how my parents neglected us as children. I told her that I recently confronted my parents about it and they were in denial, gaslighting me, even my dad lashed out on me and told me hurtful things that I didn't even know where it came from.. despite me just telling them I felt disrespected with what they did and stuff like that.
After that, she made me write some emotions that I feel in my therapy notebook that she gave me so we'll be able to tackle and acknowledge each and sort of break down where to begin.
On the second session, we discussed those emotions and she gave me some techniques on what to think when those thoughts come again. I get triggered a lot during those times because the confrontation with my parents were fresh and I didn't really get a proper apology from them. She told me I would need to continue writing those emotions.
It felt a bit... slow actually. I thought even before coming in to the session for the first time I should have been given a test for them to know whatever it is that I'm currently feeling. Like those questionnaires where you answer agree or disagree to each question so they would be able to find out whatever potential disorders I may have. In my previous therapy (which wasn't in the same clinic by the way), they had me do that test after one session and we were able to discuss those the next session.
It was a bit slow but okay maybe she just doesn't want to overload me with information and stuff but I was also thinking that this is actually the best time to give me all those information and we do like an intense program since I told her I'm not doing anything lol.
Anyway, the third session came. At this point, it was by the end of December. The past sessions we were just talking about my past experiences in childhood. It felt we were moving too slowly and moving in circles with what we were talking about. She finally told me she will give me a test to know better.
These tests are going to be their base to form a treatment plan for me. It will be easier for them to diagnose someone with these tests. The tests were done online... which sounds very convenient but of course they have some cons which I will talk about later on.
They sent me an email containing the link to the website they have so I can take the tests. The tests I took were 8 in total and they were probably 100-200 questions each.
When I was done with the first test, I wanted to write a note at the end.. for whatever reason lol. But it won't let me and it would just refresh and nothing would happen so I just moved on.
When I was on the second test, it started lagging. The website would load so slow so in one of the questions that I tried refreshing it and when it did, it just wants me to log in again. When I did, it won't let me do that test anymore. It was buggy. I told them what my concern was and it took them about 3 days to fix it. While waiting for that, I took the other tests.
The other tests also were kinda buggy. There were times it would load slow (or stopped loading) and it made me skip 2-4 questions per test and there was no way for me to go back to the previous question. I don't know what the f happened to those skipped questions I wasn't able to answer. Maybe it filled an answer on its own, who knows.
One of the tests include this which the title suggests is to find out if there were problems with my attention, focus, impulsivity. This isn't for diagnosis, but rather to find out what to do next since there is no one way to diagnose ADHD.
Anyway, I already had an idea about ADHD since I like psychology and stuff but I didn't really dig deep in that subject. While taking the test, I was almost agreeing to everything... That's when I realized that I may have ADHD...
I started doing my research and apparently it shows differently in females which is why it is often missed. Those things resonated me and so I contacted the clinic immediately.
I asked them if they can do assessment/diagnose ADHD as well and they said yes. My next session was in 3 weeks at that time but I asked them if I can get an earlier date to discuss about ADHD and luckily they have a vacant slot.
When I came to the clinic, the psychologist told me they found inattentiveness in the initial assessment (one of ADHD types) and asked me if I want to do tests during the session. I said yes and we did a Stanford-Binet Intelligence test. She said it will measure cognitive abilities, working memory, etc.. I was already wondering why this would be the test because I know there is no correlation between ADHD and IQ but I still did it because I want to find out my IQ for a long time hahah.
I did my best to focus on the test because, well, I want a high score. XDDDD
The tests were quite interesting. The psychologist and I were facing each other while she flipped some cards and stuff. There were parts of the tests that were really difficult for me especially the ones with blocks that you have to rearrange to look like the image she shows. There were memory tests too which I thought I sucked at lol.
Although I did my best, there were still times I was zoning out quite a lot...
That test was divided into two parts which was non verbal and verbal. We finished the first part and then she said I can continue the next part on the next session which was 3 weeks after. I didn't really understand why the fuck it would take so long for the next test when it can be done the next day or her next earliest schedule. But I waited anyway...
I also gave her my therapy notebook which contains what I wrote.
During the 3 weeks wait, I was just hyperfocusing on ADHD. There was literally nothing else in my mind other than learning about ADHD and autism. I wasn't interested in anything else, just those... it was almost like a torture for me just waiting there because this is a puzzle that I want to solve and it feels like I'm really close to solving my lifelong problem.
The verbal test came and well of course as I expected I didn't nail it. I'm very bad at anything verbal.
IQ test was done and I was told the result will be in 4-6 weeks because they were gonna write a detailed report for the tests...
Waiting was really hard for me. Everyday I wake up and hope for their text that it is already available. I mean of course I understand that there is a timeframe but a month and a half seems to be too long.
During this timeframe, I was getting into new hobbies like plants and I also went back to Muay thai to get my head off of that subject for a while although it didn't really work. I was so close to the answer.
The day finally arrived that I can get the results and I'm very excited especially for the IQ results hahaha.
And so I was told
I was shookt because I know the way to diagnose ADHD is NOT through IQ tests. Literally not even in DSM-5 says that.
Wait what?? I know there is no one way to diagnose ADHD at the moment but most of them are actually self-reports. The symptoms can also be from other conditions like bipolar disorder, depression, etc. so it is very important to know if these symptoms were present during childhood... which is why I wrote those damn symptoms in the notebook.
Which I am very much aware of but IQ test results just mean you were good at taking the test or during the test. I did my best during that test but doesn't mean my memory in general is good because it is pretty much shit in normal days.
She then told me my Visual-Spatial processing was also superior (122) and Non verbal IQ was high average (118) which means I have good pattern recognition which I highly agree with.
The verbal IQ of course was very low (102) hahaha which I also highly agree with. That makes my overall IQ down to 108. lol
They disregarded the ADHD even though there was literally a high score in ADHD just because I got high working memory IQ...
Anyway, back to the initial tests from the beginning.. She began asking me about some behaviors like if I was competitive, low self esteem, etc etc.. She wanted to confirm/clarify to me those certain behaviors. I disagreed with a lot of things but it seems she was really trying to insist those on me.
She kept on saying:
Uhmm, yeah, I don't know? I don't remember how I answered it and I didn't wanna tell her that there were a lot of bugs during the test since I assume she already knew and also because I didn't want to sound defensive. There were a couple of points that I just agreed with or said maybe so we can move on.
She really wanted to stick to the test and didn't ask me how I answered it.
In the end she told me I have Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) and I didn't know anything about that at that time so I was just letting her explain the disorder. Still, I disagreed on some behaviors (like I'm not like that) and she said I go look up about the disorder and read about them and on the next session we can discuss this further if the disorder applies to me or not.
I asked:
She just told me I need to fix my sleep schedule and that I go to a doctor so I can get pills to help me sleep and maybe those symptoms will disappear.
At this point I already have loss of words...
Obviously I told her about my sleep problems because despite having a fixed schedule, I really have problems with sleep since I was a kid and they are just worsening now to the point I started thinking I may have narcolepsy!!!
She also said
Bro what??? At that point I know I will never win with this therapist. She all of a sudden became VERY insistent and sure about her findings without even listening to me anymore.
She also said
I said no I can't organize. I'm very messy and disorganized... and she looked at me with a judgmental face while looking at my notebook that looks very organized with my pretty handwriting. Like, she knows my current obsession was journaling (and that interest is gone now btw) and it was such a bad stereotype that people with ADHD have bad handwriting.
I asked
I asked that because ADHD and autism have a big correlation according to recent studies which of course I also wrote about in my therapy notebook.
She just straight up said
Look like what? Okay at this point I was already leaving because the session was done but it was taking me awhile to process what she said. It took me a while to process it and while waiting for our food I began thinking how judgmental that last line was. So she only knows about the stereotypes about ADHD and autism? Do you have to look autism to be diagnosed? What does that even look like??? Does she know anything about masking?
I looked into what OCPD is and bruh, it's literally not like me. A few may manifest like that sure but most of the behaviors don't apply to me. I even asked my friends and they disagree as well. It was pretty much opposite to what I am lol.
I also got the digital copy of the results and it literally says there that there were inconsistencies with the results (like sometimes I would say I am irrational but in other tests it would say I am rational and work well with other people) and it needs to be clarified to me how I answered the test because I may have answered it non-purposefully that's why the deviant answers. Which the therapist didn't clarify to me.
I stopped going back to therapy because I felt judged, invalidated, not being heard anymore. I felt there was no point going there anymore because the therapist will just insist on behaviors that I clearly disagree on and was being very pedantic on the test results that were very inconsistent to begin with.
I don't even know now if they're just inexperienced ones or just being all business but there were a couple of red flags I saw in that clinic. I was just ignoring those red flags because I see good in people and because there was no reason for me to get suspicious because I got a good experience in my previous therapy.
I also don't know if she even looked at the symptoms I wrote in my notebook because if she did then she would know that these were already present in my childhood. Okay I may have just wrote that for NOTHING.
Why didn't I just go back to the therapist I had in 2016? I don't know. Haha. It was quite far but also because I feel kinda ashamed that I needed to go back there. The therapist there was really great though, really really kind. I should've just went back there instead.
I went to a psychiatrist after that and I got diagnosed with ADHD. My current doctor is very kind, patient, validates me, and agrees with me. On the first session she immediately assessed me and told me she thinks I have ADHD.
That's gonna be in another post though and I am already really happy I found this doctor and I'm taking medication for it which worked really great as well.
If you're able to read all of the post, or even just half or whatever, thank you for reading.
I know it's really long but I just wanted to put it all in there.
Til next time!
