If you remember, I have posted about my burnout and how I've taken a break from making art. Apparently it's not just a simple burnout and I have been trying to get back on track but just can't seem to do it. For 2 years my motivation is gone, my energy is just so low, and simple tasks like chores are so "hard" to do it seems.
A few months ago I was thinking maybe I need to go to a psychiatrist and probably just take some medications as I did a lot of things to help myself. I tried crystals, learned about spirituality, listened to podcasts and watched self-help videos, giving myself breaks, tried CBD and THC, overcame my fear when I get bad dreams, heck I'm not afraid anymore when sleep paralysis comes, but still can't seem to be back to my "normal" energy levels.
I get random sadness and would burst into tears though they would typically last a few minutes. A lot of flashbacks and feeling sorry for myself all over again. I would also get triggered so easily and more often.
Then I started listening to rock music again, the ones that gave me relief and helped me with my depression for years but it seems it is temporary. I know my brain needs some rewiring cos I have learned some unhealthy habits for my brain.
Before our travel back to Thailand a month ago, I have already made up my mind into going back to therapy. I don't even know why I deprived myself of that for 2 years despite having the resources to do it. I guess I was in denial, or ashamed that I still feel this, or invalidating myself, or all of the above. I've already found a psychologist as I was researching in forums and I was actually happy when I finally decided but I wanted to do it when we come back home because I know therapy is so emotionally heavy.
I had therapy back in 2016 which of course provided a lot of relief for years but I relapsed I guess. I have been feeling heavy all these years but I still had motivations to do art so that helped a lot.
I just had my first session of therapy a few days ago and it was a big relief like I was carrying some heavy baggage and I have finally admitted to myself that the baggage was indeed heavy. The therapist was very understanding and listened attentively as I told her my issues. At first I didn't even know what the triggers were until I started sharing about my childhood (before the trauma) and she made me realize those things were a really big part of it and we could even tell it was the root cause of it all.
For context, I have PTSD from an event that happened when I was 9 years old. I won't go much into detail about that but basically it can also trigger some other stuff like depression and anxiety. So I told the therapist about my diagnosis.
It's never easy with PTSD and it creeps on you when you least expect it. Most survivors take medications and I don't know myself how I'm able to do this without it. I have vivid dreams everytime I sleep. And they're 70% not pretty though I have managed myself to stop being scared and learn how to fight and get away from the situation whenever I become lucid.
She gave me a therapy notebook where I could write down the tasks she asks me to do when I'm home. It was a blank notebook and of course I just put those stickers on the cover for it to look cute. I think it's kinda funny I saw a "like a boss" sticker as well so now it says "therapy like a boss" lol.
My first task is to identify and write down the emotions I currently feel. Then I will also have to list down the achievements I have that I neglect or ignore. Big wins or small wins, it doesn't matter.
She also pointed out that I have been saying the negative things my parents say to me to myself as well. I am becoming them... which she promptly reminded me that I am not them. The toxicity that I kept on feeding myself should stop and the first step is to identify and realize that.
We will know next session if it will be needed for me to take oral medications in addition to therapy. I still don't know how to feel about medications but I will research more on that.
It has been great but heavy on the first session but I am proud that I was finally able to get there myself.
