The Wolf In The House Of Bricks
Digital
2020
I have been inactive in art for the past 2 years. By the end of 2021, I experienced extreme burnout due to a lot of things I did during that time. 2 years have passed and I'm still burned out. Turns out, I have been living my life undiagnosed with ADHD for the past 27 years... (and possibly autism as well).
A lot of things happened in that year (2021). I moved out, started living alone, got a dog I had no idea how to take care of, learned basic life stuff, did interviews, became a speaker, did a commission, a lot of exhibits (international and virtual), barely any social activity, got poisoned by a gas leak in the house because I had no idea how to become an adult, did a lot of trading, did my own art at the same time, learned how to cook, basically I needed to create my own life structure.
Too much happening, too much changes, too much learning at the same time. Less rest, no vacation, less social activities, at the same time too much drama on the internet (crypto issues and stuff). Yep recipe for a burnout.
Perfectionism began to wonder my mind and it got stuck there. Because of a lot of sudden life changes, I wanted the things I do to be right because there was no time for me to waste - no time to do things over again if I make a mistake.
I thought I was a failure for not being able to do the things I needed to do. Getting up from bed became more difficult. Simple chores became so hard to do. Basically living became exhausting. I suddenly lost direction in life.
All this time I have blamed myself, felt guilty about getting a burnout, calling myself lazy, etc. Tried so hard many times to "work" again, to make art again, because that's all I wanted to do all along. But no matter how hard I try, I continuously fail. It scares me to hold a pen, a paint brush, heck even just thinking anything about art.
I have done so many other things in 2 years... engaging in so many "new hobbies". Side quests as I would call them. This burnout really seemed different so I felt defeated regardless of how I try to recharge my battery.
I tried listening to self help content on the internet.
They didn't work on me.
I even procrastinated getting professional help despite having the resources and time to do so. I also got help from the wrong people... I ended up wasting some of that time (and money) until thankfully I found the right doctor.
Then, I got diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 27.
All my life I felt different from the other kids... and this is the reason.
There is also a possible autism that I think I may have alongside ADHD but I haven't been assessed with that yet.
A lot of ADHD signs have also showed up on my art. Sometimes I want change but I also crave consistency. I feel really guilty about changing styles, medium, and the overall look of the art but I also crave new things so bad. It was a constant struggle for me.
Everyday I wake up and plan things in my head. I should do this, I should do that... but I still can't seem to do it. Sometimes motivation is just not there. Of course I felt so bad about it.
I wish I could choose what to hyperfocus on, like when I started doing crypto art, but unfortunately that's not how it works.
ADHD diagnosis was the answer to my lifelong problem - a puzzle I seemed to never solve/figure out. It's like being constantly trapped in a labyrinth that I didn't even know I was in lol. I've always blamed it on my PTSD because at the time it was the only logical explanation to what I'm feeling (even though a lot of times it still doesn't make sense) but the main reason I got one was because I have ADHD lol.
In this day and time, everyone expects you to sit in an office for 9 hours, stick to one career, be committed, always be motivated, etc., but for people with ADHD that is a lot of pain to try and follow. Switching careers, changing hobbies, having different art styles, etc. are often seen as negative traits.
I'm so lucky to have a good support system and my fiancé beside me to "enable" my different interests every month lol. I also have a very supportive circle of art friends who would constantly invite me to art events and such despite not being active. Signs you know they haven't forgotten about you. :>
I am learning how to cope with it better and even embrace it. It will not be easy to just "be myself" since I have learned to mask and pretend to be like everyone else to be accepted. The medication also helps A LOT although it does not magically solve all my problems. I still have to do the work.
It will be another journey I'm looking forward to.
