As mentioned before, I am taking a long hiatus in art just cos I wasn't feeling well. xD The last time I made a drawing regularly was at the end of 2021. And then I only made works occasionally. The usual pace of me creating was gone and I found myself coping in some other ways.

My coping mechanism for my PTSD is music and art - music being the main thing cos I can listen to something over and over again and it allowed me to feel things. As a result of that, I create art and also look at art by different artists and it made me express things that I needed to and it makes me feel better and keep me sane to say the least.

Shopping spree

Since I stopped making art at the end of 2021, I found myself having a massive burnout and then I felt numb and didn't want to do any art or anything in general anymore. Without doing those things, my mental health slowly declined and I've been feeling depressed more and more. It manifested in me having a lot of vivid dreams and sleep paralysis which was fine by me cos it was fun lol but it really drained my physical body waking up. My mind was desperate with looking for some other coping mechanisms, so I turned into online shopping.

If you scroll at my posts starting at the end of 2021, you can see that I bought a shit ton of things. Gadgets, clothes, some nfts, beauty products, art materials, random accessories... stuff like that. In my mind I was investing in myself and just enjoying my profits - things I haven't done before since I didn't have money lol. Which is also true, but looking at it now I kinda realized I just wasted a lot of money cos those things are either not being used often or just ended up in the closet. I didn't want to admit it but I turned into a short-term pleasure-seeking habit as my coping mechanism.

Well obviously I didn't tell anyone. xD I only posted some of the post-worthy stuff. But the rest can be seen around the house. I only realized I had a shopping problem when we moved to a new house and most stuff won't fit in the container anymore. Oops.

Because of all these, It worsen my artist's block since I can't regulate my emotions properly.

Looking for professionals

It only got worse from then. I was already at a point when I was looking at psychiatrists nearby and just finally considering taking medications. I didn't want to take medicines before as it also has a negative psychological effect on me (the act of taking itself) and also cos I want to try other options first. I did a lot of research about artists taking medications specifically for PTSD but I found out it can be really hard at first with the side effects and it would be a big adjustment looking for a suitable medication for each person. It sounds exhausting. I wanted help but at the same time I don't want it, you know? XD

I also read in some that it gave them a creative block since they can't feel anymore. Others are actually just doing fine with it but honestly I don't know at the moment. I wanted to feel better to start working again but with medications it sounds hard to do and would take at least a few months for the body and mind to adjust.

Then I looked for therapies nearby and it is also exhausting to think about. The last time I had therapy was when I was in college and it was literally mentally draining considering I had to do therapy homework as well. I was looking forward to actually talking to a professional but doing homeworks? Mm-mm I didn't want that. lol

_{Drawing studies on Photoshop}

Music

For whatever reason, I listened to some "sad" music that I used to listen to. I started to feel again, and visualize some things, and then bingo, I found what was missing.

I stopped listening to "depressing" music because well it made me sad. XDD I wanted to be happy and live like other "normal" people. I was doing my nails, studying on how to dress nicely, reading on some self care stuff, and I started listening to popular music.

Well it made me happy for a while and forget that I actually have PTSD, which was the problem lol. I was suppressing myself and it manifested heavily on dreams and my day-to-day behavior. The reason why I'm able to function for a long time without being diagnosed until I was about 19 was because I had music and art by my side. I never really got into medications and therapy long term but I was "okay" and functioning mainly because I wasn't trying to suppress any of my feelings.

So now I have figured out what the problem was, I can feel myself going back to my usual creative mind and also have less bad dreams now. Oh and I'm also doing art finally. Not just drawing studies but actual art that I can mint or something.

_{WIP bitch}

So yeah, I probably would be needing help at some point in my life and probably medications as well but at the moment it feels like I don't need it yet. I even forgot I was looking for psychiatrists the last few weeks cos I was already feeling a bit better. xD

I need to fix some habits I developed in the past year first. Like wasting time doing nothing, buying shit I don't need online, maybe throwing or giving away stuff that I don't need as well...

I think I'm kinda done learning new things at the moment and finally use those knowledge and apply it on my work. There's so much tool-upgrades that I did for my art (my very powerful macbook, camera and lenses, pen display, and better trad art materials) that I just need to utilize them.

I'm also thankful for @acidyo's support since whatever I do he's always just there to back me up. He's been putting up with me as well and he's also the one who reminds me I sleep too much. xD Considering there's a lot of things I don't do much, my sleep is his only complaint.

To end the post, here's my favorite song from Metallica and I think it's obvious why :P