Revisiting places that played through hard times for me. Proof of family instability and personal anxiety for possible relief of tax burdens. I know last blog I was talking about abandonment and such. I'm finding initiative in life now to stand and say yes, I've been through this.
In the past I did see and experience lack and neglect in my parental and societal place I lived. My mom had serious mental instability and she was alone in that world. No institution was able to help her for many years. It just seems funny to me that many people seemed oblivious to my moms condition maybe exactly because they were oblivious to their own condition. I came up with a saying a few years back. Everyone is slightly schizophrenic and they don't even know it.
Another re-trace is looking back at my hunger for socialisation. Wanting to feel a connection. I want it to be appropriate and not feel desperate. Even if I am and do feel desperate. I mentioned Kurt Cobain last blog. Hmm... The Nirvana song Help Me I'm Hungry . I can see why I can relate to that. I think we all have a hunger and deep need for connection and affection. I believe in free love sort of, well ya gotta earn your affection even so. That's why I don't ever want to go on a self loathing party trip. Everyone gets together so they can be separate in their drug world and call it a good time. Makes me sick. Ya I'm just so fucking sensitive that it makes me sick! It's a gift.
So to deal with that last social bit I make sure I only see potential pals in the day time. I don't want to be a part of their night life. I'm not one of their fucking buddys . Yea I'm better than that. They could be too. If you don't have some standards what do you got!? A jerk fest fantasy gone sour!?
I am the rebel of the rebels. To fight psychological gremlins. Even Kurt Cobain, yet, I will never put him down. We don't need hero worship. I'll have to show them how to party myself! It actually sounds like fun and the greatest honour/challenge/tribute to the shabby mystique of our culture. I imagine a different sort of a tribalism/dance culture, with lots of plants. Plant wave right!? Actually I know of someone from highschool who does experimental music with plant sounds! Yea that's right! We be there!!
Ahh, anyways this blog is a good time, blabbing into the nether realms of my mind. Can't wait to put it out. I'm not alone and its off my chest for another day. Cheers! Thanks for reading.
Ha man well don't want to leave this blog yet. Ok I've noticed people around town and on social media are being more jubilant lately! This is great! Keep up the good work! There's allot of turmoil in the world right now. It's good to give people that deserved acknowledgement of who they are as an individual and the community at large! It's the small friendly gestures, and it's not small talk... it's people being genuine.
