Multiple Sclerosis: it's all in my head

I previously discussed my life living with MS (Multiple Sclerosis) here and described the physical symptoms I experience daily. In this post I would like to cover an aspect of the disease that doesn't get discussed often: the mental side of MS.

I have been suffering since 1991. Over the course of this neurological disorder I have hit troughs and highs but steadily over the years the highs have been shorter and the lows deeper and longer - I have what is called remitting relapsing MS. I go downhill for a while, slowly recuperate up to a point but then relapse, only to get slightly better the next time. It's ultimately on a downward slope.

One common symptom that most sufferers experience is depression, it is just the nature of the disease. It doesn't help that you naturally get depressed by having an incurable disorder. In my depression I have weeks when I don't want to get out of bed to face life, I feel worthless and I am the crankiest person alive. I see no silver lining, the skies are always grey. Medication helps up to a point but the biggest antidote I have found is to keep a positive mental attitude: if you let MS get you down it has a habit of dragging you down quickly. My immediate family see to it that I try to remain positive and involved in daily life.

During the past 10 years or more I have come to recognize that I have other mental disorders thanks to my condition. My short term memory has been severely hampered and I have had to find strategies to help me overcome this such as constantly taking notes either on a pad or in my phone. Still, it doesn't help when I struggle to get up and shuffle into another room only to get there not knowing what the hell I went there for in the first place. I am terrible with names: I know the face, I know them well but I just cannot remember their damn name! Another aspect of my short term memory problem is I sometimes feel I am in a time loop. Yes, let me explain: say for example just 5 seconds ago I pick up a book. This is a short term memory. But the way my brain interprets it is as though it were a long term memory. It makes life very confusing at times as you could imagine.

Long term memory is affected much less but with this I have another problem. I only have to try to recollect something from my past and, due to the faulty wiring in my brain I expect, the memory seem so vivid as though I had just experienced it. You might think this is a good thing and if it ended there I would agree with you. However once that flash of memory bursts into my consciousness it doesn't stop - it is almost like having a picture flash up on a TV constantly until I force myself to think of something else.

My cognitive function has deteriorated over the past 5 years or so and whereas I used to be able to pick things up quickly and learn a new skill in short time, hampered by memory loss I find it a struggle to absorb new information. As you would expect joining Steemit, learning all of it's intricacies and foibles coupled with trying to learn about cryptocurrency has been a struggle. I need to lock myself away with zero distractions, much to my family's dismay. Even having a tune playing in the background is too much. I find it an immense struggle to focus. As most men are I was always poor at multi tasking. Nowadays I am a disaster.

Thanks to Steemit, demanding that I learn quickly and attain as much focus as I can summon if I want to succeed, I am slowly beginning to think more clearly. Like a fog is slowly dispersing and I have a clearer vision for my future. I have enjoyed rekindling my passion for writing and have reignited my imagination. The mind is a muscle and much like keeping your body fit your brain needs regular exercise.

So thank you Steemit, you have done for me so much more than what is showing in my wallet.


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