The skate

I received an invitation for an event today and as usual reluctance to accept was my first thought. It's not that I'm anti-social folks, more that I really value my time and who I spend it with so a random group of people, some of which I don't know, didn't fill me with a lot of enthusiasm. On this occasion there was additional motivation to decline however as the event is being held at an ice-skating rink and it's expected that attendee's ice skate. It's supposed to be fun you see. _{original im src}

I've not declined yet, I thought I'd give it a good think before I did, but I have to say that I'm not likely to accept for a couple of reasons with the most relevant excuse being that I'm terrible at ice-skating...Well, maybe not terrible, just not so good at all the required elements.

The main problem with my ice-skating prowess is that that don't have the ability to stop - like, not even a little bit - and that often means carnage ensues.

This is not so bad for me because I'm resilient, strong, and robust...But when I barrel into a group of small children congregating on the ice at something approaching warp-speed...That's when things become problematic. That's right, you read correctly, warp-speed! That's the one aspect of ice-skating I have mastered but whilst, in all probability I'm the fastest ice-skater on the face of the planet, having the ability to arrest my forward motion in a timely fashion is not something I've mastered, or even come to be passingly good at, or can even slightly do at all.

I've generally relied on a different strategy to stop my forward progress mainly based around using things that may be around me to slow me to a stop: People and walls primarily.

This ice-skating event, whilst a perfect opportunity to impose my speed-dominance upon the poor unfortunates around me who cannot gain the lightning-fast speeds I am capable of, is simply a disaster waiting to happen.

It is a corporate event in support of a local children's charity and sounds quite amazing indeed. It's being catered for by one of the city's premiere catering companies and will raise funds and awareness for a very worthy cause. The main problem is there'll be many notable personalities in attendance plus a bunch of underprivileged and sick kids and...Well, considering my ice-skating speed-capabilities and lack of stopping ability someone is likely to be seriously injured, probably many people, and I'll be the cause of it. I don't want that on my conscience.

Imagine the G-dog, that's me folks, in my super-tight spandex/lycra ice-skating suit complete with hood for better aerodynamics, zipping around the rink at world land-speed record velocities. Naturally one only sees a flash of colour due to the speed, although the suit allows one to make out all the important details on my body still; it's tight AF and you'd not want to miss the details, trust me. So, there I am zipping around in glorious fashion until...Time for food! That's when things begin to come undone because I must bring myself to a stop to partake of the tasty morsels on offer. It's at this point I'd look for a means to stop and that often means a wall or a group of kids to land on, preferably not the wall. I try to find a group of them as one doesn't quite break my fall effectively enough. I'd not want to hurt myself after all; I line them up and, boom! Stopped.

Do you see the problem?

Now, you might be wondering why I'd not spare the kids by using adults instead...I did this once actually. The problem is adults are often a little more attentive and can see what it is happening...On that one occasion they all moved at the last moment, and I slammed into the wall of the rink. Sure, it stopped me, but I sustained some damage which I really didn't appreciate. I learned my lesson that day and now just tend to careen into a bunch of unsuspecting kids which prevents me from sustaining any injuries perfectly. The same can't be said for them however - it never goes well for those poor little tackers.

Anyway, I'm thinking it might be best to avoid the event and do my bit for those underprivileged and sick kids by not injuring them and causing extended hospital stays over the Christmas period; I know, so kind huh? I contemplated attending and using only one unfortunate little bugger to provide the stopping force and required cushioning but I'm feeling charitable, so I think I'll skip it. What do you think? I'm open to ideas if you have any thoughts on how I might be able to stop more effectively which could mean I get to go to the event.