Clearly wouldn't be me

This week I made a very important decision that has far-reaching implications and impact upon myself and others. It was a difficult decision, very confronting to contemplate and, once decided, hurtful to deliver however it was a decision I do not believe could have gone any other way all things considered.

Life is a series of steps that make up the whole journey and whilst the ultimate destination is known, death, the journey is largely obscured to us until it actually happens.

We act and react throughout life and sometimes it delivers happiness, joy and success and at other times sorrow, disappointment and failure. It's just how life is and the sooner we come to accept that the sooner we are able to move forward and get it done; live it, positively affect it and shape our lives into what we'd like it to resemble. That's what I did this week, despite the wretched feeling I was left with.

Over my life I've built walls and torn them down and in the process have felt protected, safe and secure but also exposed, fractured and crumbling; again, life in action.

Mostly I've not allowed the latter to touch others. In fact I've worked hard at protecting others, keeping them physically or emotionally safe and sound even to my own detriment however there's times...Well, I guess sometimes we need to show some self-care, make sure that we are ok. After all, how can a person care for others, stand and fight or be the strong and dependable shield, without being ok themselves? My recent decision was about me, about setting myself straight.

It will take a long time to come to terms with my decision; just another thing to add to my list I guess. I'll probably never be comfortable with it, with the implications of the decision, the fallout, and that my decision touched other lives. However I simply had no choice. You see, just like that quote above from Chuck Norris, I have a destination in mind, something worth achieving, and I was positive that that destination couldn't be achieved by staying in place and immobile.

Obstacles exist of course; coming to the decision itself and deploying it for instance; a most difficult moment. But there's others, some of which I probably can't see right now I suppose. But the ultimate destination and goal lies ahead and once reached I believe it will be more solid for having taken the difficult decision now and making the journey. The foundation will be stronger and upon that will unbreakable walls be built, or so I hope, one way or the other.

Ownership, responsibility, discipline and action are deeply ingrained within me and, with a few other attributes, honour and integrity to name two, form the platform upon which my life is built. Sometimes deploying them is so easy that no thought is required and at other times finding those attributes seem so difficult it seems almost an impossibility. The problem for me is that I simply cannot be me without those things; I just won't work - for myself or anyone else - and so I made my decision and took the first step.

It would be so much easier to cast aside those personal attributes but I'd not be comfortable if I did; I would feel unworthy and valueless as a man. So I take hard roads, make difficult decisions and lift heavy shit, meaning I do the work required to make things happen. Sometimes I have moments of doubt and know this will happen in the future, however I need to be true to myself or no one will see me clearly because I clearly wouldn't be me.