I feel that as time passes I become increasingly cynical. I used to be a person with a lot of faith, an active seeker of the spiritual truths, and yet now I see everything related to that world as fairy tales we tell ourselves to make some meaning of it all.
My faith grew a lot when I had psychedelic experiences both with chems as well as magic mushrooms. From there I looked for a long time for a way to access such elegant and heightened states of mind without using external aid, but could not find any way to get there.
All I found were infinite layers of darkness and ignorance within myself, which I kept peeling off in hopes of finding the hidden gem that lay within me. But nothing, it seems there is no hidden gem, and all that I experienced was solely thanks to neurochemical ecstasy.
So I must say I'm a bit disappointed in it all. It's sad to feel that you could be more, that you have experienced being more, but no matter how much you try you're still stuck in a low vibration state, perhaps forever.
When I'm tripping there's usually a pain to deal with, something that makes me feel like I'm going to die if I don't confront it and then comes the acceptance that leads me into higher understanding.
This makes me think that there's a death I need to confront, something in me needs to be released. At the same time, I feel like I've been playing that same game for years now without getting much result.
Anyway, I'm open to suggestions. Can anyone relate? How are you dealing with this and what results have you experienced?