I am a lady.
Striving to be the lady of my dream, that is a lady friends could rely on.
I'm almost achieving it though but there are some things I am really struggling with and I feel like pouring it out,
Asking for help: I find it very difficult to open up when I am in need. Don't call me proud because it has nothing to do with pride. Yes, I know that some people own might but mine really doesn't. It's just that I feel like I would be disturbing the person by asking for help, I feel like asking the person for help is more like adding to the person's problems, even when I know the person can do it for me, I still feel bad asking for it. Most times you see me suffering from things people around me can easily solve without stress just because I did not open up to ask for it.
It's really torturing and I can't find my way out, I feel so trapped withing myself but I don't know what to do to pull out.
Trusting people: Although I wasn't born with lack of trust, experiences caused it, but I feel like I am living in the past, I feel like I am allowing things that happened to be in the past limit my life experiences, I feel like I am hurting people who really cares because of the bad people I met earlier. I just don't know how to go about it.
Image by Vladimir Tsokalo from unsplash
Over thinking: If there is an award for the best over thinker then I think I would have really gotten one by now, I make a big deal out of everything, I analyse every single word someone say to me.
I see my self lying on my bed and think and think over a particular thing that naturally shouldn't be an issue, infact I am a pro at making a mountain out of a mole. And its effect on me is really massive.
Expressing how I feel: I think this is the worst. I really don't know how to express how I feel. I just bottle everything up 馃槀. I just take everything the way I see it, I see my self enduring things I shouldn't endure. When someone does something that hurts me, instead of me to make the person understand how I feel, I would make up excuses for the person in my head and bottle up the whole hurt. It's really not a funny experience. Most time I lie on my bed and cry over what someone did to me and still I the person won't know anything about it.
Self Judgment: Some might say that this is ok, but I would say otherwise. It is not nice. Well, it might be but not on the level mine is.
I judge myself over everything that happens around me, I even give excuses and create reasons why it's my fault when people hurt me at times. And this is really affecting my self esteem.
All these might seem like nothing but to me, it's a big deal. It's like a harmful parasite that is really eating deep into me.
