People tend to think that raising their kids in the strict, tough-love manner will make the kids grow up to be well-mannered and disciplined. One time, I overheard a mom complaining about how stubborn her kids are to another lady who just got married, the newly married lady was saying lines like "It is because you raised them soft. When I start having my own kids, I will be really strict with them, no chances for nonsense". I'm not a mother, heck, I don't even know what parenting is all about but one hill I'm willing to die on, "Kids will not always be disciplined because they have strict parents"
I grew up with mildly strict parents, especially my dad. He wasn’t the type to let things slide. Mistakes? He didn’t take chances on those. You either got a verbal lashing or a punishment to remind you never to repeat that error. So, we were always on edge around him, too careful, too alert. It felt like we had to be perfect whenever he was home, as if the house itself held its breath. But the moment he stepped out? It always seems we start to breathe a different kind of air. Nobody to shout on us or give us the bombastic side eye.
Other kids in the neighborhood were free to run around, visit their friends and all those kind of things, I wished to be in their shoes. I used to think, "Wow, your parents must be really cool". Because in my house, we weren't always allowed to do everything we wanted. We had rules, we had curfews, we weren't always allowed to visit everyone we wanted, anytime we wanted to and sometimes, you don't ask "why?*, you just obey because mom and dad said so, also because nobody wants to get punished anyway.
Rightly, my parents were more experienced than I was. They saw dangers where I saw fun. Their mode of training was to make sure we grew up responsible and well-mannered and that it did. I look back today and figured that they literally did the best for me and for that I'll be forever grateful. However, as much as that structure helped not to make some reckless decisions that could have cost me, at the same time, it made me more cautious and somewhat more creative with excuses especially when I made mistakes.
As I grew, I started to understand what real discipline was. It is all about learning self-control and responsibility, not just because I'm afraid of scolding or punishment, rather I understand better why my parents asked to do something in a certain way then and I genuinely see the value of all they said. When discipline is all about rules and regulations, with little to no explanations, kids are most likely to obey because of the consequences in disobedience, more than "why" they really had to obey. You ever why a child seems so responsible and disciplined when mom and dad is in the picture, but when they are not, you see another shade in personality you have never seen before? A terrible personality
They master the art of being two different person at different occasions, the obedient kid when the parents are watching and someone you don't know anymore in the absence of their parents. Some people from my neighborhood even went wild the moment they entered into the university because they weren't taught how to handle freedom responsibly. That's my two cents about strict parenting, it doesn't always produce kids with deep sense of discipline. Sometimes, it only makes kids scared to make mistakes or even admit them, kids scared to ask questions or be themselves. It makes them obedient, quite alright but not necessarily self-control or wisdom.
Looking back, I don’t blame my parents. They did what they thought was best, and I know they loved us in their own way. But if I ever become a parent, I’d want to do things differently. I’d want my kids to understand the reasons behind rules, to feel safe asking questions, to know that making mistakes is part of learning.
And I don’t want my kids to grow up feeling like they have to pretend to be good, I want them to actually understand what it means to be. Discipline should be about guidance, not just control and that is the hill I'm willing to die, so you can go ahead stab me in the heart now if you think differently.
Images are mine
