All my life I have been disappointed by the people I looked up to. And every time it happens, I feel heartbroken as though I was in a love relationship with them. Sometimes they have no idea I exist, other times they do, but do not know they are my role model. I try to become better than they are or do the things they do as well or as excellent as they did. But somewhere along the line, something happens, that takes the scales off my eyes.
I have learned to shut my emotions out, move away completely from these people and detach too. It has been working. Although it felt as though I was afraid of facing something so I keep running away from them. And just as we can't run from our shadows, they always find a way to return and hunt me.
But, it did not always matter because once I find out the truth about them, I usually have this hatred that doesn't care if they return or not and this hate is the only emotion that helped me to stay away from them and keep my distance.
Source
I am only ranting about this because recently, I have been heartbroken again. This one hurts like hell. It hurts more than the compounded ones that happened in the past. I was almost moving into depression as a result because I can't seem to understand why I place so much importance on people forgetting that they are humans and always end up getting disappointed. Is this the expectations part of my life always hurting me and I seem not to learn regardless?
I decided to research what I can do with this last part because it's affecting my productivity and my mental space. One of the steps that stood out was to find a new role model. I did not know when I chuckled in mockery. How I'm I supposed to find new models when all the models I had in the past have done nothing but leave me shattered, weaken, and questioning my very existence and my intuition to admire someone?
I thought whoever wrote that last line might not have gone through what I have passed through all of my life because right now, I have decided this rug pull is too much for me to bear, I can't stand it anymore, and all I want to do is shut everyone out and just focus on me. I don't know if what I should do is turn inward and make myself my role model instead of searching for them in other people's faces.
Maybe, if I do that I will come to terms with the fact that no one is perfect, and as long as we are humans, our imperfections will always find a way to reel its head out and bring us back to reality.
This is the part where I feel I need a therapist because I have lost control again, and like Alan Walker said, I am always doing the same thing and I have myself to blame and I need to heal. But he also asked, what is love without pain? And he is right, if we don't love someone it will be impossible to feel pain, and pain is a part of love.