This article builds upon my previous post about the paradox of trust.

@ngans asked me if there are different levels of trust when it comes to sharing and trusting strangers and close people. There are of course various types and levels of trust but today I would like to discuss with you a very specific and experienced by most of you type of trust – oversharing.

Introduction

As the world rapidly changes, we are changing too – our views of the world, our moral and social understandings, our expectations of other people, our relationships.
It’s disturbing how nowadays with all the technologies and almost free unlimited opportunities to connect with each other there are so many misunderstood and lonely people. Perhaps that could be justified by the fact that for some people this change might be too rapid and they fail to adapt adequately to it. With the introduction of smartphones, social media, instant messages etc. it would not be wrong to say that in the past decade we’ve undergone a revolution in communication and relationships with others. While back in the days nobody talked about their shameful and private experiences, today we have entire reality shows where you observe 24/7 not only one, but a whole group of people. Online media and newspapers are full with ‘scandals’ and paparazzi photos and videos of private experiences of other people.

Vulnerability and Oversharing

You don’t have to be a psychologist in order to be asked by other person for an advice about certain behavior or relationship. If you are the one asking, it’s perfectly okay also – the act of asking questions is an indicator of self-reflection and analysis of your own thoughts and actions.
Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing more therapeutic than sharing thoughts and experiences with other people. After all we are ‘social animals’, remember? ;)

Vulnerability is a quality that connects people and brings them closer together. It’s the first step towards a strong and genuine relationship. Being authentic and expressive about your emotions and experience could be beneficial for you and the people around you. But there are people who cannot contain their impulse to communicate and share information an experiences with other people. And by other people I mean both strangers and known individuals. I bet we all have that one friend or two who always shares everything of their life on Facebook.

So, where is the line between private information and one that could be shared with others?

Today for most people such line does not exist. If you are not one of these people it’s important for you to understand how to recognize people who overshare information with you and why they do it.

Some people use oversharing as a dysfunctional way to connect with other individuals. Most of the times these people do not know why exactly they behave this way and cannot control this compulsive behavior. But there are others who intentionally overshare information and flood you with their personal problems just to feel significant and gain some sympathy from you. This could be considered as a well-played manipulation, especially if it is in a situation, which would put you in disadvantage.
Sometimes oversharing is the result of inadequate mechanism to engage in conversation and establish a good connection with someone. By oversharing one might hope to have established a ground for reciprocity which in his mind is a healthy thing to do. Often people who are incapable to connect properly with other people do not have strong and genuine relationships and people who they can call friends. So oversharing is their mechanism to cope and survive as a social animal in this jungle of constant communication.

Oversharing by strangers

Some of the above mentioned reasons apply to oversharing by strangers also. But there are some additional points which might be motives for these people to act this way. While oversharing from people close to you might find a positive and constructive outcome, oversharing from strangers might lead to awkward and unsatisfying situations – leaving you helpless and confused how to react to it.

Why strangers overshare?

For some people it’s enough that you are already in their personal space or that you have established a physical contact with them. They might not even know your name, but being ‘physically close to each other’ could trigger the impulse of oversharing. I think that most of us have been ‘a victim’ of an oversharing person in the train, bus, airplane, local supermarket etc.
Of course being strangers to each other gives the oversharing person a false sense of protection, because in your face he or she sees an anonymous person who might never meet again. So they use the moment with you to share personal and maybe embarrassing information as a cheap alternative to therapy.

Dealing with oversharing people

If the person is close to you it would be easy to be straightforward and honest with the person. Make them ask themselves questions like:

Why would I be sharing this with that person?
What outcomes am I expecting?
What are my motives? Are they to create a strong and genuine connection, or just to use the person as a listener?
Do I actually care about his or her opinion or am I just sharing this to gain something?

Questions like this will trigger their ability to self-reflect and hopefully it might even have long-term effects, if the person actually wants to change.

Conclusion

As I already said, oversharing is a ‘phenomenon’ in our communication with others, common to most of us. If some of you has experienced it or is an oversharing person I hope that this post was useful to you and after reading it you are one step closer to recognize it next time you or someone overshares information with you.

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