I was inactive last week because I really didn't feel like posting anything, and I still don't feel like pulling the Runes the same way I used to. It was also a week filled with important revelations for me, particularly with regards to my family. When I was a kid, my siblings were charged with raising me and finishing up my education in the absence of my mother and with the little presence that my father had in those days. They're all older than me but still were just kids when mom died, so I've come to understand their failings while taking care of me through that lens, but in the past few months, all of the things that I had to endure in my childhood, the physical and verbal abuse, the punishments, the disrespect for my opinion, have surfaced quite straightforwardly for me to see. It's been tough but I'm not a child anymore and I've worked extensively on myself in recent years, I can handle these things much better now. Nevertheless, after prolonged and mostly silent observation, I've realized that my sisters in particular continue to have many of the same opinions they held in their 20s, and since they're older, they assume that I couldn't possibly know better. I honestly thought that I was making progress by letting them do their thing without engaging much so as not to annoy them, but I was wrong. Their attitude has grown nigh untenable and I now have to make some very important decisions about them and my permanence in this house.
When we think about abusers, criminals, tyrants and the like, we tend to assume that these people are just irrevocably broken and devoid of all morality, but it turns out that some of the worse perpetrators aren't really bad people or even dishonest individuals, but common, often generally kind folk who feel like upstanding citizens and commit all sorts of transgressions, knowingly or otherwise, justified only by their own sense of goodness and by the appraisals of other folks who might be similarly engaged in regular abuses. We also assume that fighting off bullies is as simple as openly criticizing them and resisting their demands, but anyone who's had to live under the same roof with a bully knows it's never that simple, particularly if the person in question is essentially decent and loving.
If a person constantly mocks or "jokingly" insults friends and family, or yells and complains daily, getting upset when called out on this attitude, they're gaslighting, manipulating and acting as the oppressors. This behavior may be deliberate sometimes, but that doesn't mean they're aware of what they're doing and its consequences. One of my sisters checks all of these boxes and adds a few more, because she's a terrible owner to her dog, a brave and gentle creature that responds to her suppression as best he can. My eldest sister, unwilling to raise the issues that bother her, has been content with telling me about them while avoiding confrontations, but in the process, both her and me have been steadily losing ground to communicate effectively. The situation's grown so serious that my eldest has started to adopt many of the behaviors expressed by my other sister, up to and including animal cruelty. Just yesterday she accosted me in my room, concerningly trespassing on my space, something she's never done before in this intensity. Her reason: I was breathing hard and whistling to control the anxiety I was feeling about a second bank account that I want to activate. Both my sisters took it personal and she was the conveyor of that message.
Max is a really good boy who lives an unhealthy existence, a situation for which I'm also partly responsible though he's not my dog and I can't necessarily decide on his situation. He doesn't go out, can't bark, is subject to arbitrary eating hours and regularly threatened with punishment for the slightest inconvenience. I've offered to improve this but his owner has so far refused to comply.
At first I had a more belligerent approach, raising some of these issues myself in specific situations, but a gaslighter will always turn this against anyone who dares confront them, which is why my eldest has chosen passivity. I understand there's wisdom in that stance, and I've decided to do two things: regain full access to my finances, which I'd relinquished to my eldest out of trust and because my country's context in the past couple of years had made it impossible for me to resume my banking activities, I had no debit card but I took care of that; also retrieve all forms of shielding and protection that I've sustained for them, allowing them to feel all of the things that I'd been processing by myself all this time. Instead of speaking more, I now think that I should speak even less and give them far less of my attention as well. I've reached that conclusion after realizing that the situation worsens when I increase my involvement.
Make no mistake, I love my sisters and I trust them too, though that trust is no longer unconditional as it once was. I don't think there's something actually wrong with them, they're just unaware of what they're doing to each other, to the dog and to me, but I can't be dragged into their mental chasms and spiritual cesspools, they have to deal with them on their own and I have more important things to do with my time and energy. I do intend to take care of the house personally, becoming the main provider, a role that's fallen to my eldest for years. I already have the means to accomplish this and I made a meditation specifically to kickstart the process.
I laid down on my bed as I always do, smoked some cannabis and almost immediately started visualizing and experiencing my emotions in depth. I went through all the hurt that I'd felt during my childhood and adolescence, and the scenarios in which I sat with my sisters to have the tough talks about all that. Some of these talks were extremely heated and I felt the hatred and resentment of those years to such levels that I perceived how my face contorted in rage. It mixed up with the sensation that my service and collaboration were being unjustifiably shunned, but I soon understood that this was just my inner child wanting the attention he never got back then, and then came the shift of vibration.
I've been giving my sisters a lot of my energy for protection and abundance. The result is that they've grown way overconfident and have been taking me for granted. Due to this, the house has been experiencing drawbacks, things that we legitimately acquired have never arrived, the flow of money has started to fail and the whole place feels heavier. This is an unnecessary encumbrance on my service. I saw the Tiger, one of my most important spiritual guides, as a bulwark against shadow and, using something that a dear friend told me once in another visualization, I just stayed in one place and allowed my sisters to move beyond my energy, withdrawing my shielding and service from them. I also connected with Max as an ally, to protect him directly and make sure that he's doing better than before. I saw some pretty disgusting images of mistreatment but I always put myself in front of him, disabling my sisters' aggression.
Once I saw all this, the rage and the resentment subsided and I called all of my energy back to myself, decreeing that I'd be an observer of my sisters' processes without intervening in any way. Meanwhile, now that my channel of wealth is mine again, I'll take care of the house with my own money and effort and leave them to do whatever they choose to do. I'm aware that they may clash pretty hard but I'll only get involved if they ask for my help explicitly. I don't have to take their bullshit, react to their teasing or carry their crosses. Just by being present and doing what I love, I can keep this place in top shape so they can resolve their issues and not mess with me.
I ended the meditation in the knowledge that I now have to communicate with my brothers who live abroad, so they're aware of the situation and also get more actively involved depending on their own conditions. While traces of anger and anxiety still remained until late at night, I successfully reached the point of gratitude and clarity that I always seek when I do this, and this fresh perspective opens all the possibilities that I've been manifesting.
