A man in a white coat defiled me yesterday. For 45 minutes.
Ever since I was a kid, I'va had these unexplainable pains in my stomach. But the doctors I've been to have never cared about checking it out. But after I stayed a year abroad, with almost no problems, it might seem that it is the Norwegian diet that is the problem.
So now it might look like I'm allergic to gluten. That I react to flour, wheat, bread etc. To get it confirmed I had to visit the hospital and get a colonoskopy. What the doctor does is that he takes a 1,3 metre long, flexible tube and rams it up your exhaust port. A small camera, that 's hooked up to a tv-screen, is placed at the front of the tube. This ables the doctor to navigate through your bowels.
The preparation for this examination startet one day prior. I was not allowed to eat anything after lunch, but could drink clear fluids. I stuck to water. At 6 o'clock in the evening I drank something called Phosphoral, a substance ment to clear out and empty the bowels. In contradicition to most comic movies, the shit didn't explode out of my ass the minute I drank the magic potion, it actually took half an hour, before the magic started. Time to find an ergonomic sitting position and prepare for war. In between the battles, the pants were lifted for some minutes, while I drank some litres water to clean up my insides as best as I could.
With my bowels hanging out, and hungry as an anorectic hippo, I went to bed for a good nights sleep. At 6 in the morning I fumbled out of bed, ready for my next fix of the Phosphoral. Pinching my nose, I swallowed the abomination og threw in some water as well, preparing for another hour or two at the toilet.
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At 2 PM, I was brought into a small, white, sterile room room, where the rape was about to happen. A cute, small nurse recieved me, and had the obvious task of soothing and calming the pasients before the penetration. She immediatly saw that I am tougher than Stallone, and didn't need any soothing, so she asked me to strip instead. With a sheet around my shrunken family jewels and perky bacon, I was ready to be seduced. I lay on my back on the examinationtable, with a diaper-looking sheet strategically placed underneath me. I guessed it was about to be messy.
The nurse wanted to attach a cannula to my hand, just in case I would need some drugs along the way. Unfortunately she weren't able to find a vein, even though she rummaged around with the needle like an epileptic drunk. After having pulled out the needle, and poking me with a new one, she was finally satisfied. A cosy start to the colonoscopy.
The doctor entered the door. To my joyful surprise it was the same doctor who had given me a gastroscopy some months earlier. A friendly doctor with a strong, foreign accent from some Balkan country. (BTW Gastroscopy is when you take the tube orally) Even though someone was about to take my virginity, I was happy that it was someone I at least knew a little bit.
The doctor went through his usual pleasantries wjile he found some lotion. Then, suddenly and without any warning, I got a finger shoved way up the dark domain. I startled and my body jolted, and was told that I had to relax. The tube found it's way. In the start I lay on my left side and was able to see the live feed on TV. Quite strange, but exciting to see one self on the inside. Unfortunately it wasn't possible to bring a tape back home. If you have seen the movie Alien, you might guess how it feels to have a tube up your bowels. The tube blew out water and air, and made the insides both bubble and tickle, but in an uncomfortable way. At times, when the tube predded up against my ribs, it felt like the Alien itself would burst out of my chest. I guess the examination gave me a taste of how it is to be pregnant?
The doctor manouvred the hose up and down, to the left and right, but had problems getting to where he wanted. I therefore had to move over from my left side to my back, and over to the right side, and after a while return to my back again. I was like an acrobatic, controlled by a 1,3 metre long hose, making love to my bowels. The doctor became more and more frustraded, and got the nurse to push my stomach down with her hands, thus trying to get easier acces to my inner chambers. But after 45 minutes he finally called it quits, exhausted as he was, saying sorry that he had to give up.
Tired and hungry, with the feeling that had I just gotten impregnated by an alien, I slithered down from the examinationtable, while my stomach bubbled from all the air being inflated there. After a visit to the toilet, they removed the unused cannula. I walked towards the door and took a last glance of the room. My virginity was left at the table, and one last thought entered my mind as I left the hospital. A thought that made me pray to all of the world's Gods that the hospital cleans its equipment. 'Cause it turns out that the tube I just had up my rectum was of the exact same kind that I had to swallow during my gastroscopy...