Photo by Ameruverse Digital Marketing Media: https://www.pexels.com/photo/person-running-on-dirt-road-1526790/
I'm trying to restart this mess I call my life. Getting robbed didn't help much.
The only thing with real value they took was my trust in people.
Last night I picked up a trip just as the sun set. The two guys had the same build, the same hight and much the same way of moving. The similarity between them and the two that robbed me triggered a stress response in me. Am I going to go through it again. A thought I had to fight back.
I am suddenly blind to what people have in their hearts.
Fear blinded me and it's not irrational fear. It's a fear that tries to protect me from anything that even vaguely looks like another robbery about to happen. In time I will adjust; I hope.
I took the trip anyway. I have to survive financially. Missing my target for the week could cost me my income.
It turned out that while they had even more tattoos than the other two, they lived their lives differently.
I'm not used to fear. I've been attacked before. Fear never stayed with me. This is new to me.
Then again, how bright would it be to have your throat slit for a R35 trip.
They say your dreams are a reflection of the things happening in your life. With me the first though when I wake up usually tells me the things about my life I didn't want to know.
This morning I woke up before the alarm went off. Sitting up in the dark I réalised; I'm alone in the dark and there isn't even monsters out there to keep me company.
That's my life. If something happened and you ask me who would I tell about it, I have no answer. Excluding my wife, there are no names on that list. I simply don't make lasting connections. When I try to, the person leaves at some point.
You would think by now I would be depressed. I'm not. I still laugh at the jokes I tell myself.
We manifest through our thoughts. That is what the mainstream motivational gurus are telling us.
The question I have is, what about our dreams.
As I see it, dreaming is thinking while you sleep. If you can manifest through what you think when you are awake, wouldn't the same go for what is in your head when you sleep.
To me this is a troubling thought.
Every night comes with a nightmare. I don't even wake up screaming anymore. It's been like that for as long as I can remember. Violence and unfolding disaster were always part of my dreams. It were there for as long as I can remember. Violence were never really part of my physical existence. I never even got a hiding when I were naughty. Yet it lived in my dreams.
What does that manifest in my life?
I have been writing this over three days. I were done but I just had to tell you about the first thought for the day.
This one shocked me.
I spent most of the last month in an emotional turmoil about not having enough money to survive. Not having a place to move to. Not having any of my plans work. Not having my pairs answered.
I struggled with anger and frustration and a general emotional pain because of what I lost.
Then the first thought this morning. 'God will provide.'
This came with calmness and and an expectation that everything will be alright.
One single thought, unprovoked, unsolicited by anything other than opening my eyes and sitting up. A singular thought that contradicts everything building up and playing out in my life over the last couple of months.
Will my life be changing?
I will have to keep you updated then.
There is a way to learn the new skills you need without breaking the bank. Take a look at Alison. Here you will find certified courses at known institutes for free or at a reasonable price.
Thank you for reading my post.
I appreciate your support.
Live life to the fullest.