Not all things good are sweet. There are times that self-development and growth require a lot more than you can actually give. I should know.
I've been big on developing myself this year. Working towards breathing in a world bred for chaos. There is already enough confusion in the world, so why let yourself be consumed by turmoil?
We can't help it. The decisions we make, the steps we take and the things we say. We are made to learn from mistakes. To grow out of certain mindsets and into new ones.
I wrestled with a major decision of my life this year. Many actually but this one was the hardest. See, there are times we need to take a step back and let the universe do its thing. Healing is never easy, but so is living with guilt.
Many struggle with the pains of bad decisions. Decisions that hurts someone else in the process. We keep making promises to be more careful but who says the heart doesn't have a mind of its own? This is why I try not to make promises for I know the heart can be tricky even when the mind is clear.
Letting go of things that make us happy, that make us smile, that elevate us and bring us joy; letting go of those beautiful smiles, the laugh, the jokes, the fun. Letting someone go because your values keep being compromised when you stay with them and you love them deeply, but you're slowly loosing your worth as you remain with them.
Because it makes us happy doesn't necessarily mean it is good. Because we long for their eyes, their smile, their joy, their lips, hands, heart, their entire being...because this is what we want doesn't mean it is what we need. I should know.
I said it before, I've been big on growth. Self-development. Loving myself. And I love him! But I loose who I am, what I am working so hard to build the deeper I go. My principles, my values, what makes me, Me!
I am not above mistakes. I make them, learn from them and move on. But I have learned with this, I tend to stay on the ground for too long. Well, not this time.
Pain is there to help us grow but how long would we have to deal with it? Here is the news, it never stops! For with every lesson, comes a test. Usually the test before the lesson, but I saw this coming. We were so different yet the same. I wanted so much of it I decided to be who I am not; what I am not!
But pain comes beautifully, you know. An angel disguised as the devil. We wrestle with the ache in our chest, knowing that we have done the unforgiveable. Hurting someone. Yet, few years from now, after the wounds are seared close, we would look back and see how much of a beautiful decision we made. Even if we don't see it now, we know in our hearts that it is the right thing to do but for now, we breathe with the pain. Living every moment of it!
