When you’ve retired to the middle of nowhere to live off the fat of the land and you don’t drive, your activity options are severely limited. There’s mucking out the chicken shed, downright torturous during

Given the choice between a zombie apocalypse and being the last living person on Earth, I’d have to go with the zombies. I mean, without other people around, who would appreciate my clever quips, my bon

I couldn't claim to be brilliant in many areas. Well, I could, but I'd be fibbing. I’m more of a jack of all trades. I can do a bit of everything, but nothing brilliantly. Except for my organisational

A story in 50 words

When you’re a geriatric gardener sharing quarters with four dogs, twenty chickens and two monstrous men, peace and solitude become the holy grail of weekends. I need no disco lights, no barbecues, no sand

My earliest memory is of my mother screaming as she tried to throw me out of a second-storey window. As a child I had this recurring nightmare, hands gripping me under the arms, my feet dangling mid-air

When I was a child showers were magical things they had in America. In Ireland, we had baths...once a week. I didn’t experience the joy of a shower until 1973, when my brother came out as a handyman, rigged

Me and my first love in happy days If you know me at all dear reader, you will not be surprised to learn that I can recall not a singe occasion on which I have been a dickhead. Lest age has dulled my memory,

It’s lashing down outside after a month of wall to wall sunshine, practically unknown in Ireland, so instead of spending hours watering, watering everywhere, I’m sitting on my arse to write about it. Why

I’ve never been married but have lived with a few guys over the years, though not all simultaneously. For me, to be good relationship material, a man must be manly. There are things in a relationship that

Sent by the boss to chivy the electrician rewiring the office, Mo finds chaos. "This must be finished by 3" she scolds. "You're pulling my wire" "No I'm deadly serious" 'No,

The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people. George Bernard Shaw No, I don’t want to lose weight. Like everything else about me, at 47 kilos, or 101 lbs for those of you still living

The Freedom Party's leader, the people's champion, stood before the crowd. "Come the revolution", he declared, "we'll all have strawberries and cream". "But I don't like strawberries

I could give you three pages on why you should like me, let alone three reasons, but in the interests of brevity, and it is the soul of wit, I shall mention just three. Firstly, I’m environmentally friendly,

I’m not boasting when I say I’m among the loveliest people you could meet. I’m reliable, responsible and honest, well, mostly. I may tell a fib or two in a tight spot, but I make up for that with my fierce

In days of yore, when sense was common, if anyone were to mention blocking out the sun, it'd be on with the straitjacket and off to the asylum quick smart. Alas the age of common sense is dead, lunacy

In English: Don't surrender while you've life left in you I reckon if I came upon someone being assaulted, I’d wade in fists flying. I practised Karate in my youth and had several boxing lessons, like

I’ve never been much of a planner. I tend to blow with the prevailing wind. If you’d told me six years ago that within months I’d be living off the fat of the land in the countryside, I would have called

From left to right: Belly, Spartacus, Devil Dog and Piggy Cats make my skin crawl. I can’t be doing with them at all and a litter box in the house is not for this germaphobe, Sure I won’t even have a house

An exceedingly short story