Comedy Open Mic Round 7: Running Elections Is Really Hard
The Trents and the Ludlows had ten young children between them – the Trent parents had Gracie (8), Milton (9), and Velma (11), and the Ludlow grandparents had Lil' Robert (5), Grayson (6), Amanda (7), Edwina (8), George (9), Andrew (10), and Eleanor (11).
Children running and playing in the back of their houses was what happened when neighbors lived on the same cul-de-sac and had each other for company during the pandemic in the summer of 2020.
The Trent parents and the Ludlow grandparents thought they were on top of things, but they didn't realize that to Gracie Trent's mind, putting two and two together could just as easily be 22 as 4 …
The Trent and Ludlow little ones had decided to create a comic book together, making themselves and their parents and grandparents and older Trent siblings into super heroes. They had been working for weeks on the storyline and color schemes and the names of the characters, and their guardians were delighted to see their minds hard at work.
Sgt. Vincent Trent had noticed that all ten children had sat down one afternoon on their porches and started working on names for their great comic epic … it was cute how seriously they were taking it.
“This is going to be fun, though,” he said to Mrs. Melissa Trent, his wife. “They have generated at least 200 names, and will be occupied for days working that out.”
But he had not reckoned on the brilliance of his baby daughter Gracie.
“Let's just have an election!” she said. “You figure we can do that today, and have our name done!”
“I don't think it works quite like that, from what I read about how free and fair elections work,” Eleanor Ludlow said. “I mean, we gotta at least take a day and set it up right.”
“The thing is, we all have our favorite names,” Andrew Ludlow said. “So, we're going to need to have some kind of secret ballot, and then because … let's see … ten, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty … um … um … um... yeah, there are an even number of names here, so we gotta figure out how to deal with a tie as well.”
“How many names do we have?” Velma Trent said.
“420 names,” Andrew said. “We've been working hard out here. That's almost as many people as will be running for the House of Representatives this year across the country.”
“Well, we already knew we were doing big things!” George Ludlow said.
“BIG THINGS!” Lil' Robert Ludlow said.
“Yeah!” Grayson Ludlow said.
“Y'all are too loud again!” Edwina Ludlow said.
“But, Edwina, when you are doing big things, you kinda have to let the people know,” Milton Trent said.
“Not next to my ear you don't,” Edwina said, and then Amanda Ludlow her sister gave her a hug.
“Feel better now, sis?” Amanda said.
“Yeah, that helps,” Edwina said, and kissed her little sister's cheek.
Meanwhile, Eleanor had gone to get her book about American government.
“Okay, so, in some situations, if there are more than two candidates and the top two are close, they have to do a runoff to find the winner,” she said.
“Well, we definitely have more than two candidates,” Velma said. “Like, 240 times that many candidates, so, first we have to do a secret ballot, and then a runoff of maybe the top 20.”
“Why don't we just skip all that?” Gracie said. “Didn't you tell me the U.S. is 244 years old?”
“Yes, it is?”
“Well, happy birthday and it's time for an upgrade, U.S.A.! I just learned how to multiply by ten, and there's ten of us, and isn't division just multiplication in reverse?”
“Oh, I get it,” Velma said. “42 times 10 is 420, so, 420 divided by 10 is 42, or 42 names each. Have you been talking to Cousin Vertran's friend Louisa again?”
“Louisa is so nice,” Gracie said. “She's going to be the greatest math teacher, because even at nine, she makes things so easy to understand! So, let's just write down 42 names each on separate pieces of paper and put them in a bag, and then... .”
Capt. and Mrs. Ludlow were the next to notice something going on.
“Why is Grayson blindfolded?” Capt. Ludlow asked Andrew.
“We're picking out the names for our comic book, Papa,” he said. “Because the United States is a democratic republic and respects the rights of the people, we have to do it by secret ballot. Grayson is super honest and won't try to peek to pick out the names he chose to put them on top of the ten piles of 42 we are going to have. Lil' Robert is honest but too loud for a secret.”
“Of course I'm loud!” Lil' Robert said. “When you are as little as I am, you gotta let people know you are around!”
“You don't think we know by now, as loud as you are?” Edwina said.
“Well, people forget stuff – and even other people!”
“Well, Robert, I can't really argue with that,” Edwina said with a sigh. “Foster care was kinda rough. Never mind.”
“So, anyway, Papa,” Andrew said, “everyone has nominated 42 candidates, and so Grayson is going to pick names out of my pillow slip until we get all that sorted out for the runoff tomorrow.”
Capt. Ludlow noticed all the slips of paper.
“I suppose you are going to be needing a new notebook, because 420 names at ten per page ...”
“Seven, actually, because Grayson and Robert use large print with those crayons, so we have used 60 pages,” Andrew said, and then hugged his grandfather. “I love you because you are so thoughtful and caring about our needs – maybe pick up two notebooks at the commissary, please, because remember, I have to record the results of the election.”
“Could you perhaps use an election observer?” Capt. Ludlow said, wisely deciding – although already too late – that the situation needed some extra adult supervision.
“Absolutely, Papa,” Andrew said, and hugged him again.
Capt. Ludlow was 58 years old, and so naturally assumed that the runoff would be picking one name out of each stack of 42 names the next day, and then one name out of the 10 that emerged. He only realized he was wrong after a whole day of watching little pink and brown faces running past the window as usual, and then Amanda coming into his home office, gasping for breath.
“I … pant pant pant … just wanted to tell you … pant pant pant … how much I love you … pant pant pant … for keeping … pant pant pant … America together … pant pant pant … because … pant pant pant … running elections … pant pant pant .. is really … pant pant pant … really … pant pant pant … really hard!”
Then, it clicked in Capt. Ludlow's mind what was going on.
Next door, Sgt. Trent was gone with the wind.
“What in the world are you all doing!” he said as a situation like snow in summer was spreading backwards from the house, blowing up into the foothills of Virginia's Blue Ridge.
“Well, we had to run the election the democratic way,” Gracie said, “so we had a runoff. Everybody got 42 slips of paper, and we put 21 into each of the food bowls of Goody [her dog] and Goldie [her cat] and then we ran around the yard two at a time into the wind so the wind could pick them all up. Rev. Stone said Sunday that we do our voting, but God picks the rulers of each nation, so we just decided to let Him do the picking here too!”
“So, you are running an election out here … and, two and two is 22,” Sgt. Trent said.
“Yup,” Gracie said, “just two twos standing there right next to each other, like we are.”
It was the windiest day of the summer, and the air was full of slips of paper, getting caught up on the thermals heading up and over the Blue Ridge.
“Whichever one is in reach at the end is the winner – like the song says, the answer is blowing in the wind, Dad!” Milton said.
On the opposite back porch, Capt. Ludlow stood watching the ascent of democracy, looking like it was about to blow from sea to shining sea, right next to little Amanda and slightly larger Edwina.
“Grandma says you defended our country 33 years,” Amanda said, hugging his waist tightly. “You made this free and fair election possible! Isn't it wonderful, seeing all the names just flying free?”
“This is not quite how we do this,” Capt. Ludlow said. “Not quite.”
“Yeah, I know, because I think President Trump and Senator Biden are a little too old for all this running,” Edwina said. “Having a free country is really, really hard work!”
Andrew and Eleanor came panting back to the back porch.
“Well, all we gotta do now is wait,” Andrew said. “I mean, you can't get more fair than this – whatever we can reach when the winds die down is what we use! This was definitely the right idea, Gracie!”
Capt. Ludlow turned with military precision and saluted Sgt. Trent.
“I commend you on instilling in your children respect for the institutions of the nation, sir.”
Sgt. Trent saluted back.
“Likewise, sir,” he said. “I guess it's time to talk about the details!”
“I think we've pretty much figured it out!” Gracie said.
“No, I think there may be a few things that you've missed, Gracie.”
Two hours later, poor little Gracie was down in the dumps.
“Dad was right,” she said to Edwina on the porch across the way. “I didn't really get the part about littering, but the wind was too much and we couldn't find a single name left!”
“Well, I guess God didn't want those names used,” Edwina said. “We'll find more names and another way!”
“Right!” Gracie said, all cheered up.
“There's just one thing, though,” Edwina said. “We really are going to have to find another way because Papa says we may not get scissors and paper again at the same time over here until 2121 – not 2021, but 2121.”
“Well, we're still young,” Gracie said, “and you know, the Lord Jesus took a stick and wrote on the ground once, so there's that to hold us over!”