I have a natural tendency to show up for people. It is something i actually like about myself, the willingness to be there, to give time and energy to the people i care about without keeping close score of it.
But there was a season where i took that tendency and ran it into the ground. Giving from a place that was already depleted. Showing up for everyone else's hard moments while quietly ignoring the fact that i was in one of my own. Saying yes to things that required capacity i no longer had because i did not know how to say i do not have anything left right now without feeling like i was letting people down.
The crash when it came was not dramatic. Just a slow grinding halt. A morning where i woke up and genuinely could not locate the motivation to do anything for anyone including myself. Not burnout in the dramatic sense people describe. More like a quiet empty that had been building for a long time and finally reached the surface.
What i had to reckon with was that my giving had not been purely selfless the whole time. Some of it was avoidance. Focusing on other people's needs kept me from having to sit with my own. And somewhere underneath it was a belief that my value in people's lives was tied to my usefulness, that if i stopped giving i would lose my place in the relationships i valued.
That belief needed examining more than it needed feeding.
Real generosity has to come from a genuinely full place to be sustainable. Not perfectly full. Not waiting until you have surplus before giving anything. But honest about where you actually are. Able to say not right now in the moments when that is the honest answer.
The people who actually care about you do not need you emptied out to prove your love. They need you present. And you cannot be present for anyone, not really, when you have run yourself to nothing.
Fill yourself first. Not selfishly. Just honestly.
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