I used to think that by a certain age you arrived somewhere. Not perfection, just a settled version of yourself that had most of the important questions answered. The career would be clear. The values would be solid. The relationships would be in their final form. You would know, finally, who you were and what you were doing here and why.
I am past the age where i expected to feel that arrival and it has not come.
What has come instead is something i value more than i expected to. A kind of ongoing honest engagement with my own life that has more questions in it than answers and is richer for that. An understanding that the people who seem most settled are often just most comfortable performing certainty, not fundamentally different in their level of knowing.
Life does not resolve into a fixed final form. It keeps moving and shifting and presenting new versions of old questions in new disguises. The things you thought you had figured out at thirty look different at thirty five. The things you are certain about now will probably be revisited at some point down the road, not because you were wrong exactly, but because you will be different and the questions will land differently from that new ground.
I am not the person i thought i would be by now. Not worse, not better in every way, just different. Still uncertain about more things than i am comfortable admitting in most rooms. Still finding out things about myself that surprised me. Still making mistakes i thought i was past making.
And alongside all of that, still here. Still trying. Still having conversations that matter. Still capable of being surprised by something good on an ordinary day.
That is enough. Not as a consolation prize for not having arrived at the certainty i expected. As something that is actually enough on its own terms.
You do not have to have it figured out. None of us fully do.
We are all just finding out as we go.
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