I went through a period a few years back that i am not proud of, not in the details but in who i was during it. The decisions i made. The way i treated some people. The version of myself that emerged under sustained pressure and difficulty was someone i did not fully recognise and did not particularly like.
I have spent time trying to understand that version rather than just bury it in embarrassment.
What i have come to is this. That version of me was still me. Not an aberration, not a temporary visitor who replaced the real me for a while. Just me under specific conditions, revealing something about what i was made of before certain things got addressed and built differently.
That is uncomfortable to accept. We want the story where our worst moments were not really us, where circumstances produced a character who then left when the circumstances did. It is a more comfortable story.
But the more honest version is that everything that came out under pressure was already in there. The fear, the reactivity, the choices made from the wrong place. It was mine. And the work of becoming someone who behaves differently under similar pressure is not about pretending those things were not there. It is about actually changing them, which requires acknowledging they are yours to change.
There is something almost relieving in fully owning the worst version of yourself, once the shame of it settles a bit. Because if it is yours, it is also yours to address. You have agency over it. It is not something that happened to you from outside, it is something inside that you can actually work with.
The worst things you have been are part of the full picture of you. They do not cancel out the rest. And they do not have to be the last word on who you are either.
They are just the parts still waiting to be worked on. That work is possible. It is slow. But it is yours to do.
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