I have a habit i only noticed a few years ago. When a close friend comes to me with a problem, i often have clear thoughts. Patient perspective. The ability to see what they might be missing and say it calmly without the emotional charge that comes with being inside the situation yourself.
Then i go home and handle my own version of the exact same situation badly.
I have told friends to stop waiting for apologies that are never coming while quietly waiting for one myself. I have told people to leave situations that were draining them while staying in my own draining situation for months longer than made any sense. I have given genuinely good advice from a clear headed place and then failed to apply a single word of it to my own life.
The distance we have from other people's problems is the thing that makes advice possible. You can see their situation without being inside the feeling of it, which means the rational part of your mind has access to it in a way it rarely has access to your own problems.
But i think there is something else happening too. Sometimes the advice we give most readily is the thing we most need to hear ourselves, and we give it to others partly because that is a safer way to think it out loud without having to commit to applying it.
I started paying attention to the things i said to friends in their hard moments. Using them as a kind of mirror. Because the clarity i had about their situation often existed because some part of me had already worked through the principle involved, even if i had not applied it to myself yet.
If you find yourself giving the same piece of advice repeatedly to different people, stop and ask whether you need it too. The wisdom you offer others does not expire the moment it leaves your mouth. It does not become less true because the situation it applies to is yours.
Talk to yourself the way you talk to the people you love. With the same patience, the same perspective, the same willingness to say the honest thing kindly.
You deserve at least as good advice as the people you care for.
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