I used to make myself smaller in rooms. Not physically. Just in terms of presence. Opinions offered tentatively, like i was asking permission to have them. Ideas prefaced with sorry if this is wrong. Apologies issued reflexively before i had even done anything that required one.
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It started somewhere early. Not a single event. Just a slow accumulation of moments where being smaller felt safer than being fully present and risking the wrong reaction.
The habit settled in so completely that i stopped noticing i was doing it. The sorry before the idea. The laugh at my own thought before anyone else could. The automatic diminishing of whatever i was about to contribute as if pre-emptive self deprecation protected me from external criticism.
It does not protect you. It just teaches people that your contributions come pre-discounted and should be treated accordingly.
I noticed it first in how other people reacted when i did take up space confidently. The difference in how ideas landed when offered directly versus offered apologetically. The exact same thought received two completely different ways depending entirely on how much space i gave myself to occupy while saying it.
Space is not something you earn by first proving you deserve it. You either take it or you do not. And the people who take it without apologising are not universally more talented or more entitled. They have just stopped treating their own presence as something that requires ongoing justification.
Unlearning the smallness took longer than learning it did. It still shows up sometimes, the reflex apology, the pre-emptive self deprecation, the shrinking before anyone has even asked me to shrink.
But i catch it faster now. And in the moments i catch it i try to just say the thing plainly, without the disclaimer, without the apology attached to the front of it, and let it land where it lands.
You are allowed to be here. Fully. Without a running apology attached.
The room has space for you. Stop acting like it does not.
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