Recently, I've signed up to attend Bible classes at the Catholic church. One of my goal is to have a confirmation at the Catholic church, so i can be a practice Catholic. Since i already have a baptism from my previous protestant church, it is NOT mandatory to do another baptism.
I know my own struggle. I used to have a quite holy youngster years, until i started to worship rock music. I first started to enjoy the heavy metal sound that banging my head gave me the pleasure of "losing" my direction. I would play loud music all day and make sure i don't hear anything from either my work place, parents at home, and even to my religion.
Sooner later, i found myself drinking hard liquor, smoking unusual substances, and even abusing controlled medicines. Before i knew it, i already have a girlfriend. On top of a girlfriend, i have more sex partners, probably living one of the life that i wouldn't be able to imagine myself just a couple of years during my teenage.
You see, we human has a very strong subliminal mind. Our subconscious already have the 10 commandments implanted. Now, with the kind of lifestyle i am living, i find myself hard to go back to church for all the wrong reasons. I give myself enough excuse to NOT going back.
It feels really uneasy when one carrying so many sins going to church. Christianity always told me, for whatever i did wrong, i can always make a prayer, and i shall be forgiven. My devil told me, its super embarrassing. Even bringing my girlfriend to church becoming an embarrassing moment. I can't possibly be pretending no problem and still be a choir boy at church, and i go home i have premarital sexual act with my girlfriend. More over, i have other unusual relationship with other girls.
Listen, i am not trying to brag about my younger self sex life. I'm merely saying, when we commit sin, we have the bad feeling of self conscious, "skipping" God instead of asking for forgiveness. We know we will not be able to promise God by saying pleade forgive my sin, i promised to NOT do it again.
Many many many years later, and here i am. I found myself a new version of me. I'm not saying I'm sinless, i still do. Sometimes when 1 bustard cutting mu queue, i would have uncomfortable spitting out cursing words. I knew i could have controlle my emotion and should have refrain from cursing other people. If i wish him dead so badly, do you think God will hear my "prayer"?
Nope, i dont commit adultery anymore. Having sex with my wife is not adultery right 🤣 sometimes when i seen sexy & beautiful girls, i could have some dirty imagination. No i am not a pervert, but i think its pretty normal for guys. I think we're born with the instinct, as a predator, to hunt for pretty girls. I have my own antidote, when i have the bad intentions, i will use my daughter as my shield. I don't want other man to do something bad to her, so i better behave.
Over the past couple of years, i think i make a drsdtic change to my Christian lifestyle. I think i have already make peace to myself. Its ok to ask for forgiveness, as long I try to refrain from commiting the same sin over and over ahain. One fine day when i closed my eyes and meet our God, i think im pretty comfrotable answering God, i have successfully silent my own devil.
There's few of the incidents, people I'd still hate. Not hate' hate, but some of these are trauma which i wanted to get over with instead of skipping the entire chapter of forgive ess. Until i can hear some answers directly from them, the bad vibes is IN me. Trust me, I'm working on it. If i cant help myself to forgive those incidents, i cant possibly be asking God to forgive me.
Some of our usual ritual is visiting to the nearby mall and grab some good food after church.
