Tough Love

Hey Steemers!

The longer I exist in this body, with this mind- the more metacognition I am able to engage in. This means that I am continuously constructing the ability to understand why and how I am the way that I am. Or at least developing the language to ask those questions. This sort of thinking has lead to a recent realization: I cling to my disordered patterns in self- indulgent ways.

I'll elaborate, if you'll allow. Pull up a chair. Let's be transparent with each other about our broken bits and vulnerabilities. I'll begin with a quick list of mine...
~ I struggle with body image. Too much of my self- worth is tied up in looking a certain way.
~ I worry that I am imposing myself on others, that they do not actually want me around.
~ I apologize for things that are not my fault, and seek to reduce the space I occupy.
~ I have genetic, physiological anxiety.
These are things I have contended with for years. They are the monsters under my bed and the skeletons in my closet. Sometimes they are dormant, but they always resurface when I face challenging times. Here's the thing: it is one thing to acknowledge them, but quite another to allow them to define me or become my crutch.

Self- destructive patterns can become deeply engrained. Once they do, they feel damn near impossible to break in moments of hardship. However, at a certain point we have no choice but to break them. For what is a life spent enslaved to a disorder? I refuse to hand over my body, mind, soul, relationships... I want all of those for myself.

The process of freeing oneself begins with identifying the tendencies we cling to. For example, I create distance when I feel like I'm imposing on others. I turn down plans, leave early, avoid texts for hours. All to communicate the message that I don't need anything from people. This usually results in positive reinforcement. I get to feel their disappointment at my leaving, their desire to have me around. This temporarily suppresses my insecurities, and I return to my naturally social self.

A destructive cycle is established here. I feel insecure, I pull back, I receive validation, I feel more secure. Rinse, repeat. There is NOTHING wrong with asking for words of affirmation, but that is not what I'm doing. I'm hiding behind my disorder. I'm allowing myself, again and again, to go through the anxiety of feeling unwanted. Do my friends and family actually change how they interact with me? No. Does one tense interaction affect an overall relationship? Not at all.

It becomes comfortable, in a twisted kind of way, to remain in the cycle. However, there are better ways to cope and bigger lives to lead. Instead of isolating myself, I could simply ask "is it alright that I'm here?". Initiating vulnerable communication inspires others to do the same. It cultivates transparency and directness. This behavioral change has the power to bring me closer to those around me, which is actually what I want.

I believe that we need to be honest with ourselves. Acknowledge our crutches and fling them aside. I am not saying that the process is simple, but that the decision to do so should be. Because the truth and beauty of the matter is this... We CAN walk on our own. We just have to make ourselves do it.