I want to share a piece of my soul, a nugget of a story that I hope will resonate with many of you. I have shared my struggle with anorexia. Now, I have an addition. An "After", if you will, to the shrouded forest of my "Before".
When I was in the deepest throws of my eating disorder, I had ten thousand rigid rules. No carbohydrates, no sleeping in, no restaurants- to name a few. I stuck to them with the doggedness of Gorilla Glue. I hurt the people who loved me and put my health in jeopardy. The worst part of it was that I couldn't see a way out.
I couldn't let go of the fear of getting fat. It sounds ridiculous, but my feelings of worth and beauty and loved-ness were all wrapped up in being skinny. I truly believed that to gain weight would be to let go of all of that, and more. I was also convinced that giving my body what it was screaming for- calories, sleep, a day off the gym- would result in the weight gain I so vehemently resisted. But you know what? I was wrong on all accounts.
I started to eat more. I started to enjoy feeling full, rather than validated by craggy hunger pangs. I shared chips and salsa at Taquerias; a glass of red wine occasionally found its way into my hands. I discovered that I love peanut butter. And the crazy thing is this! I didn't gain much weight at all. I didn't suddenly lose all self control and consume everything in sight. My workouts improved, and muscles showed themselves beneath my skin. I no longer shivered in 70 degree weather, and my period returned after a four year hiatus. Each of these things is a blessing.
It took me nearly six years to get to this point, and it was not a linear path. I cried a lot, and probably still spend too much time scrutinizing my body in the mirror. I have days where I feel uncomfortable, or where I question my decisions and self- worth. But these are no longer my baseline. I can honestly say that I walk through this life loving the vessel that I inhabit. To be on one's own team is everything, truly something worth working towards.
What I want to say is this. If I can do this, I know that you can too. I know that it takes a unique concoction of resources, support, love, and time for each individual. I want you to hear that these things are out there for you. You can and you will find them. There is a sun lit meadow on the other side of that shrouded forest, and a hand holding yours with every step.
