I want this next post to be expansive. I wish to walk the walk of the message I hope to convey: that taking up space is GOOD. See what I did there? ;)
I have come to realize that my eating disorder is a manifestation of my profound fear of taking up space in this world, particularly in the lives of others. I've never wanted to impose, so I leave events early and avoid initiating interactions. I consume less, to avoid taking what someone else could use. I apologize at every turn, for every differing opinion, too- loud laugh, and accidental contact. I apologize for my existence. What the hell is up with that?
What I discussed above are all ways of altering my behavior to reduce my impact, to leave less defined footprints in the sand of life. This compression of my presence used to extend to my physical body as well. I felt, on conscious and unconscious levels, that taking up physical space was wasteful and ugly. I thought that the less of me there was, the more worthy I was of love. So I starved myself. There is nothing romantic about this- I became a skinny, hungry shadow of what my soul longed to be.
Now, I refuse to do this. I refuse to deny myself moments of intimacy, indulgence, or loudness. Instead I will expand into the farthest reaches of my life, to the Mt. Everest's and Grand Canyons and Great Barrier Reefs. My footsteps will be deep trenches in the sand. I will ask for help from others, as this allows for profound moments of connection and actually benefits BOTH individuals. I will eat dessert and dance ridiculously and sing at the top of my lungs with my car windows rolled down.
We vibrate at higher frequencies when we ALLOW ourselves to. When we refuse to put limitations on our innately exuberant selves. I invite you to laugh loudly, maybe snort, at the jokes you yourself tell. I encourage you to butter your bread, and cheers to the greatness of this universe with a glass of red.
