As humans, we’re taught to idealize constant motion towards a goal. We are left chronically unsatisfied as a result. This is due to the fact that no matter how much we progress, we are told that we can always do more, be more, achieve more. Our present tense selves are the least celebrated aspects of our beings. Take a moment to let that sink in…
This is the mentality that drives many individuals with eating disorders, and is certainly one that plagued me for years. I was a late bloomer, and grew quickly from a spindly kid into a curvy teenager the summer before my sophomore year of high school. I was sixteen, and suddenly felt like a foreign traveler on the bumpy terrain of my body. In addition to the physical changes, my sixteenth trip around the sun included the death of my grandmother and my first romantic heartbreak. My reaction to these events was a lack of trust in other people, the universe, and myself.
The next step I took was to make myself smaller. I believed that by taking up less space, both physically and with my presence, that the changes occurring in my life would be easier to bare. That there would be less of me to bare them, and that I would feel less as a result. I restricted my food intake, increased my hours in the gym, and channeled most of my energy into controlling my existence. It was as if I had waged a war on my true self and basic intuition.
“Hungry? That doesn’t make sense, you ate six hours ago”
“Sore muscles? Must mean you’re not strong enough yet”
“Tired? Get off your ass, this is the only way to change your body”
I fought against these natural, innate signals. I ceased to trust my body- the only home I had or would ever inhabit.
This brings me back to the glorification of relentless motion that exists in our society. In my quest to shrink myself, I would never be satisfied. Never would achieving some “goal weight” or “ideal body type” be enough; there would always be a “better” state to attain.
I want to use this story to convey that fulfillment and stillness can coexist. That celebrating your beautiful, flawed, present- tense self will bring joy into your life. That appreciating the you that exists in THIS moment will sooth your soul. You are innately enough. And I stand with you, for you, behind you- anywhere you need me to be.
