Just a reflection on what has been going on this past couple years due to the pandemic, and how I've ended up here, at this hour, writing.
I still can't forget all of the heartache and sorrow that has been buried deep within me for the past year or so. I guess I've never really found a proper outlet and I've never let anything out. My wife probably knows a little bit, my friends a little bit less, and even I can't fully comprehend why sometimes, I descend into my little cave, secluding myself from anyone and anything that surrounds me.
For the longest time I've felt like I've been tied up and kept hostage. I've felt like I've been also on a spotlight, judged for every little move and decision made, and somehow none of it with any kind of approval. I've felt like my living here has always been conditional, and nothing permanent. Maybe that's why I've tried so hard to prove that I can make it, or at least that is what I keep telling myself to make me feel better about this living situation.
I never have experienced this kind of suffocation before - I imagine a feeling worse than drowning. I could never be myself, I could never express my likes and dislikes, and somehow I've always been held under expectations that I never want to meet anyway.
Until I get out of this house, I don't think I'll ever be free from this feeling - it's something that I can't express properly. It's like a looming darkness always watching over my shoulder, telling me what I should and should not do.
There have been so many ups and downs that I have experienced this past year and I still can't believe that there's a lot to be thankful for. Starting simple, I'm thankful that I am fed and that I have a house (well a room, really) to call home. I have a loving family, who are all healthy, who I can share time and energy with after a very long day at work.
I am thankful for the earning opportunities I've discovered here on HIVE, as well as all the streamers and the people I've met in the community that made me feel like I'm not alone in my Splinterlands / crypto journey, and that the world is both huge and small at the same time. Online communication and streaming has granted me a way to connect with people all over the world, despite the differences in language, culture and time zones.
Streaming, and just hanging out with people who share the same love and interest as I do just made me feel a little more alive and happy every day. It gave me something to look forward to - some sort of safe refuge from all of stress that has been building up inside.
I am thankful for all the blessings that God (or whatever power you believe in) has granted me in this tiny piece of time I'm borrowing from the universe, and I am still trying to extract the most that I can from it, to live it to the absolute fullest possible and take as many people with me on the journey to much greater places.
I really don't understand the position I'm in right now - I'm definitely very grateful to still be able to eat and play, despite knowing that there are people out there struggling to get by just one day. My moral compass is telling me that I should still try to do what I can, but at the moment I feel like I can barely lift myself up from all the burdens I'm carrying right now.
Maybe it's all just in my head and I should really stop trying to create this ideal world where kindness and equity governs life. Maybe I should just stop trying too hard, and console myself that I am already doing the best I can, and that I can take a break sometimes, too.
I'm thankful that I kind of have this as an outlet. Slightly hoping that someone reading this would be able to help me express what I've been feeling, or that someone reading this would get a grasp of what they're feeling. My thoughts are jumbled up right now and this post isn't something that I've thought out or prepared - I'm just keeping it here for posterity.
I'm probably gonna look at this 5, 10 years from now and just laugh at how fucking dumb I'm being.
To future self, I hope that you're happy and that you're in a much better place than right now. I hope that you come back to this post and show me that you can achieve so much more and help so many more people than right now.
-- to be continued --
