Day 1—Healing Gambling/Poker Addiction
Today marks one day without gambling. Sure, it is will power, but I am also broke. I'm 28 years old and am employed in a professional position. I have been gambling, aka playing poker, since I was 16 years old. Yesterday, after losing at my local casino, I started to have thoughts of stealing things to make more cash. It is the first time I have had this thought. It felt serious. I really wanted to take something so I could square away my debts. But, I thought, that would really hurt someone. Who have I become? I guess when you're not worried about hurting yourself, you plant a garden in the mind that is capable of stealing from someone else. In the 12 years that I have gambled I have not one sought out support. Today, I listened to 'The After Gambling Podcast'. I am proud of myself for listening. I didn't think I'd ever seek out help.
It is so tiring being consumed by poker. I know all the names of famous players, but they do not know mine. I have no friends in a world that I am so familiar with. It is so lonely. It fucking shocking to realize. I like privacy to an extent, but this is simply hiding.
The rush of motivation to quit is so strong today. I feel like my energy spent to adjust other parts of my life has been a waste, when, now that I vow not to gamble, I believe I will receive significant results in other areas of my life. I paused while writing this thought as the gambling, evil, compulsive side of me said: "you won't quit! You've tried before!"
The gambling side of me is cruel. He is also a coward. I will learn to love him, even if he does not love me.
