It has been a few days since I've written. I've had so much going on with two different jobs. Most pressingly, I have been struggling emotionally after my girlfriend told me that she doesn't know if she wants to support me through recovery. She told me that she doesn't trust me. I totally understand that. I haven't been completely honest with her because she did not know about my poker playing. Yet, it hurts because she is the person I want support from the most. She is very understanding and compassionate with me (at least when she trusts me). It's hard to be patient, while continuing to remember that rebuilding trust is a process. I will have to face some hard truths about addiction recovery by the end of the week. I will tell my mother and father, as well as one employer that I will no longer be working there. I feel sick to my stomach every time I think about doing that, but I have to be fully honest and jump in with two feet.
I have so much more to say, but my stomach hurts from anxiety. I realize that I have been numbing anger with gambling for a lot of years. I have been really pissed off lately. It feels terrible.
I have not gambled.
Today is a good day.
