Well, well, well… it’s been a minute.
I’ve been going through a bit of a rough patch here. Actually, things are really great. Well, I’m not really sure how I feel. THAT is what I’ve been doing to myself for the past bit. And where my brain has been at.
Adjusting to life in the van has been a bit of a roller coaster. On one hand, I feel confident that it is the best decision I ever made and for the time being, it’s exactly what I need. I feel healthier, more stable, more ready to sleep at night, more excited to get up in the mornings. Earlier this week, I got the opportunity to house sit someone’s condo for a few nights and I was so excited to spend a few nights in a nice one bedroom place for a few days and reset. By the end of it, I was so eager to get back to the Chevy. That was my sign that this journey was truly a really good decision. Honestly I think the only part I truly enjoyed about being back in an apartment was use of the kitchen lmao
On the other hand, I’m lonely. Most of my friends and family live in places that, frankly, I just don’t want to live in. Living essentially outdoors has forced me to fill my days with hiking, skating, wandering around- which is exactly what I wanted. But it causes the majority of my time to be busy, out of service, conserving battery for emergencies, etc. And so, I’m losing touch with a lot of people.
Don’t get me wrong, being off my phone for much more of my conscious time is in absolutely no way a negative thing. It’s just that being a single person in their 30s, who spent most of their life traveling around living on friends couches and sleeping in flop houses.. it’s a big adjustment. I’ve never exactly “been my best friend”, and it’s difficult to spend this much time alone with myself. But I’m learning.
There’s been a million other little things both good and bad. But really what it boils down to is one underlying factor that is influencing all of this- addiction
I kind of started this journey as an attempt to strive for recovery and sobriety. I haven’t wanted to really talk about it until, well right now really, for a few reasons. For one, I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it stick. But mainly, I want my sobriety journey to be an adventure, and I want to take the opportunity to do what I want with my life. Not just sit around gloomily rambling about recovery.
But now that I’m this far in, I’m starting to feel grounded. And the fogginess, uncertainty and confusion of the last 6 weeks is settling.
I have experienced drug and alcohol problems since a teenager. Not consistently, but it was certainly a driving force in my life at times; with or without me noticing it. Kinda stereotypical story you see with a lot of people- I was a very social teenager, desperately wanting to fit in with everybody but smart enough to know how to not come off as such. That combined with the fact I reached my full height of 6’3” at a young age and was generally thought of as older than I was, led me to spending a lot of my downtime sneaking off to go party with the older kids. It was fine for awhile, just kids being kids, but then I lost my mother in high school and the party kind of became the unhealthy therapy I was constantly seeking. That went on for years. And years.
The thing was, none of it was bad. For a long time. I always felt fine, despite eating like twice a week and maybe seeing a cup of water once a month(I really don’t understand how my body is functional). I was always happy. I was having a blast. Enjoying the fuck out of every moment. Constantly fucked up.
And that just kind of became life for.. well, ever it seemed. I enjoyed it, people around me enjoyed it, and that was that. I was not naive about what was going on. I was well aware for many, many years that I was partying my life away due to unresolved trauma from my mother’s passing and continued to do so with each subsequent loss in my life. I had a couple attempts at sobriety throughout the years but I was never fully committed and was never in the right environment. So, thus, I guess the abrupt decision to move into the van was me allowing myself to create the right environment.
About a year ago, I lost my best friend. I had a terrible meltdown and let alcohol fully take over my life. I took leave from my job, planning on heading back to where I grew up, just outside of New York, to spend a winter back around the people i hold close. However, the grief and addiction I was going through caused me to just completely be dysfunctional. I was thousands of miles from any sort of support group, alone in a studio apartment in a foreign-to-me city, drinking a bottle of vodka a day and crying my fucking eyes out. I had planned on cleaning out my unit to sublet it, but I made zero progress on that for months. I had planned on doing bike delivery every day to buy a car to move my stuff across the country, but instead was afraid to leave the house during the daylight. By dark, I was too fucked up and sad. So, instead I pissed away the rest of my money on rent for an apartment I was only trying to leave.
It got to a point where I was like “I just have to go”, so I packed a few things and bought a bus ticket across the country. The bus took over a week. It was terrible lol, but that’s its own story.
I had no plans on what I was doing with the apartment. All my things were still there. I was behind on rent. But I had to go.
The east coast winter turned out not to resolve all my problems. Surprise, surprise. At first it was great to see people. I was so relieved, and it was such a breath of fresh air. But the nostalgia died. I was soon reminded of why I had left- no one does anything back home. It’s just partying and recovering. And now people are reaching the age where they’re getting married, moving out.. so even the social aspect is dwindling heavily. So, I continued the path of destruction i was on in Seattle.
By the end of the winter I knew something in my life drastically needed to change. It was the first time I was truly like “fuck this life, I’m done”. But I wasn’t yet. I had to get back across the country and move out of my apartment- the one I had been paying for the entire time. I didn’t have any money as I had bought a Subaru over the winter, and I had no plan other than get out of my apartment. I found some work doing painting and property maintenance for a month, saved some money, and drove back to Washington.
I was still dealing with my problems during move out by heavily drinking. I had planned on being out in a week, and it took three. I was just being unproductive. If you have read any of my previous posts, I have been talking about recovering from two broken ribs. That happened during a skating fall that occurred the day before I was supposed to be out out. I had been heavily criticizing the downhill path my “partying” had taken over the past year. It sounds cliche, but I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I was out of shape, my eyes looked like bean bags.. I mean man, I just generally looked like shit. The morning after that fall I woke up feeling worse than I ever had. I couldn’t move. I was screaming in pain. I was throwing up and sweating through my sheets. And I had planned on making the final push that day to reset my life and I physically couldn’t. And that was it for me.
I now am starting to feel confident it’s sticking. As of right now, it’s been 42 days since I’ve touched alcohol. I’m not sure if that’s a coincidence that it’s right when I started journaling this new adventure- that week was all such a blur it seems like a lifetime ago. I do know I had been wanting to start more daily writing for years now, so it was probably just a result of me laying in bed all day, sweating and screaming, that led to me making more of an effort. That, and, I really, truly think that the only way for me to stay sober is by turning this stupid ass little life into an adventure- and I want to document whatever time I have left on this globe
That’s really been the biggest part of all this adjustment. At first I was trying so hard just to find some sort of calm or importance, and the last few weeks I’ve started to let that all settle in. I’m incredibly proud of myself, to be honest. I didn’t think I would be able to do this in the fashion that I did. I’m nowhere near a support group, I’m alone in a van in a drinking town, part time working in a restaurant; it’s an environment just asking for drinking. But instead I’ve been spending my days going on new hikes, skating, swimming in secluded river spots, getting tired enough that I CAN ACTUALLY SLEEP. Which is crazy to me. The sleep part.
So, I guess that’s really all I wanted to get off my chest. I accidentally took a little break there from documenting my daily adventures to settle in to this new sober life. And I like it. It’s starting to feel normal. And I feel very confident I can stick with it. I really do miss my old life, but I need at least a year (at the minimum), to see how I feel and reassess.
I hope all has been well to whoever may have read this. If you’re struggling with addiction please reach out to someone, anyone, even me, a stranger on the internet. I’m excited to see what I’ve missed in others’ lives and side note- I found my computer finally. It was in the first aid bag for some god damn reason. Anyways, it means that hopefully I can spend a lot more time in the Hive space moving forward :) 🖤
