I have 5 days left and I am pretty sure I will have to go back to Romania. That is what I told myself last week. Feelings of looking like a failure again come rushing back. I went to interviews, I received maybe, no and I wish I could kind of answers. If someone would have told me how sinuous is the road towards a good tattoo shop I would have probably never tried.
I remember how I was told back in Romania that being a tattoo artist is a bad idea, that there are too many already doing it, why should I be special. And despite the pull backs I went for it. Crazy curly me.
I celebrated my last day of work the same way as I did with my resignation day: a bubbly drink and a hey cheers to me.
A feeling of pace came over me. I knew that no matter how much money and what projects I would be given I would never cancel my resignation at this shop. The atmosphere filled with envy, the lack of respect for cleanliness and the arrogance of the boss would be a big NO for me.
So what's next Mary? What are you doing with your life woman?
I texted a lot of shops in Bucharest, Cluj and Timisoara. To my surprise, I received a lot of appreciation for my work in their replies yet the house is full in many of the shops. I even got free art e- books from a fellow tattoo artist from Cluj. I was touched. So the tattoo community has nice people after all.
5 more days...and I receive a reply from a shop in Denmark I truly liked. A yes. A yes to being self employed and no longer working on a fixed salary, but on percentage. Being my own boss. Again. I knew how much money I could make based on my previous experience. I said yes. I was blessed to have friends to take my stuff to until I find a new rent in a new city. I am afraid a bit....but if not taking a risk than what else to do? I can either make it big or fail big. At least I would have tried!
I came back now in Romania for the holidays. And a surge of sadness and nostalgia hit me again. I passed through a city that once carried a lot of good and painful memories for me.
I would have dreamed of a day when I would pass next to this city and just move on. I had tears in my eyes, touching the windows of the bus wishing...hoping...wondering. The heart aches of my soul, the healing which is still not done although more than a year has passed since I decided to separate.Then I had to close my beauty shop alone and try Denmark and pursue my tattoo dream. Alone.
Why I am still ruminating? Why am I lingering? Why can't I just flush it out of my heart?
I arrive at the station and I take a cab towards home. The music inside the cab is about a heartbreak, a love story which never managed to happen until the end. Really? Sometimes the universe really gives it to you... Out of the blue I have tears in my eye. I just can't stop them. I feel utterly embarrassed. The cab driver looks at me. Oh, you're not tired, you're heart broken. Utterly weird moment. It never happened to me to burst in tears like this before. Could it be the fatigue acumulated over the 6 months I spent working without one day off to build my tattoo portfolio? Could it be the sight of that town? Could it be the fact that maybe I am just tired of so many changes in my life?
I arrived at home and I cried into vocemails to one of my best friends telling the whole story. I realize now more than ever that it is not normal to ruminate after so much time has passed. People get over people. Isn't it? I think I need therapy in order to understand why I am stuck in this emotional loop about this person which was in my life.
One of my friends told me that I will heal from this person if I will be in a relationship with another guy, who will treat me right and make me forget. Could it be? I am not sure that another man would like to date a woman who is still trying to get over and heal from her former relationship. God knows how heartbroken I felt to find out the presence of ex-es in the life of that man that I was supposed to have a love story with, I would never dare to give this pain to someone else. It would not be fair. Yet...we can't heal alone, can't we?
Maybe I am mourning the lost connection with my father, the good relationship we never had. Maybe I am not ruminating after the ex, maybe I am sad over something deeper and bigger. I do not know. But crying and still thinking of a person from the past after more than one year is not normal, that is what most of my friends tell me. If I could format delete my heart's aches....Going through this on my own taught me to be so gentle with strangers because you never know the hidden burden some might carry under a big smile.
I realize I tried to hide and suppress this by working a lot, by filling my time with doing something. Anything. But a small trigger, a memory , a birthday, and I would get lured back into sad unhealed ruminating territories.
I took a notebook and started to pour my heart out to this person. I write the kind of letters I will never send. Maybe it helps me see my feelings in a different light. I wonder if someone would know how much pain could be left behind some of their actions if they would ever think twice before saying or doing something that could make the other one struggle for months or years. But I look at this as being my responsibility as I am the one who is still ruminating and stuck with the pain.
I do not know how efficient will the online therapy be, but I am willing to try it as the soul ache is too much to bear and is not going to allow me to be emotionally available to somebody else. I do not want to make someone suffer as I suffered, I could not forgive myself for it.
I am scared to be in the working-for-myself position again. But I have no other option than to dive and swim toward this new opportunity. I did not expect a lot to happen yet I got overwhelmed with the unexpected in the last couple of days. I am tired, sad, excited, scared and peaceful in the same time. A carousel of emotions.
A small detail that I witnessed in my train trip toward home made me feel hope again. A couple. Showing love toward each other. Through a long train trip. He would not get her out of his sight. Holding and kissing her hand and forehead. Playing cards. Smiling to each other. I witnessed the most beautiful expression of love connection in a train trip. Because two people knew how to be with each other in what others would believe is an uncomfortable trip. The way he looked at her....the way she looked at him.... Genuine love and respect. And my soul twitched: this is the love you need girl....
THINGS I HAVE LEARNED IN MY LAST 6 MONTHS IN DENMARK:
Material wealth will never compensate for a heart ache
Giving away teaches you about what truly matters. This is why I decided to donate some of my clothes to the Red Cross in Denmark. I did the same when I moved into a new home in Romania. It makes me realize that my soul is more important than what I wear
Self dignity and a sense of feeling that you matter is above any salary.
A door which does not open is not your door.
I am never alone as long as my faith is strong.
I want to work on myself so I could receive and give the kind of love that lasts and turns into a life story
Crying when you feel like it is ok.
I have friends in Denmark that support me, I am grateful for meeting them.
