Have you ever wondered what happens in the lives of people when they are missing for a while from your usual feed? Most of us are more than happy to share what is going on through social media and /or blockchain. It can bring us joy to share something more or less closer to our inner reality. I say this because the human soul has such depths that it would not to be wise to think that a happy post hides a happy person.
I have been missing for a while from pretty much everywhere online. This doesn't mean that I stopped reading my books and paint my paintings. But in the month of April something caught my attention. I have let it slide until last month.
Interesting? What could it be? Do you remember a situation from you life when you looked at somebody else's story and told yourself: this could never happen to me...?
At the end of April I was casually lying in a bed, like the normal human being that I am. And I felt something which felt odd while doing something that I do not normally do: inspecting my boob. Yes, we women sometimes do this, not very often in my case, it's just not my thing. I felt a small pea sized thing. I told to myself that it is nothing. Two months later the pea has become a coin. And it did not feel that insignificant anymore. At the suggestion of a friend (yes, I was ready to ignore it even if the pea doubled in size) I went to do a breast ultrasound.
I did not know what to expect. I genuinely went there thinking that it would be a waste of money and time and that the coin sized stuff in my breast would prove to be nothing. It felt odd as it was my first time ever doing such an investigation. It felt even weirder as the doctor was a male and believe or not boy am I shy. But I was in the moment of suck it up buttercup just do it and move on.
My idea that the ultrasound would prove to be a waste of time was wrong.
Here I was, strolling with a smile on my face, thinking how useless the ultrasound will be
I felt utterly shattered when the doctor told me that this lump in my left breast is actually something to be worth inspecting and urged me to schedule myself for a biopsy. A bio what? When I looked at the papers I saw oncology and biopsy. I was left speechless.
Doctor's language for hey you might be in trouble
I still remember how I cried in my Uber on my way back from there, wondering why is this happening to me, I am freaking young.
The day when someone receives such news remains in the mind. I started to make phone calls like a crazy person trying to reach a specialist to do the biopsy. The Universe had other plans though and through circumstances too complex to reveal now I ended up days later in the office of a chief oncology doctor urging me to choose a MRI first before rushing to the knife. I have listened to the oncologist and I am about to do this RMI the upcoming days , more exactly on the 30th. Next week.I'll mark this day in my calendar as I am nervous about it and wish it to be a first and last time when I will ever do such a thing. I fear a biopsy from my breast.
The magnificent ultrasound of my breasts. I am proud to say that this is a Hive exclusive just to cheer myself up.It looks fine by me. The doctor has a different opinion. Maybe he is wrong?
Why am I writing this on Hive? Because while sitting in the oncology waiting room I saw something that moved something in me. People came with a smile , with a hope in their eyes, entered the doctor's room and came out crying. After this they had to sit in a line and pay for their consultation. I sat in that line. I had a lady before me crying. I've pat her on the shoulder. She was alone. I did not know what to say. I was left without words. There is a cynicism in this. Call it life, call it private hospital policy. But receiving bad news and having no one as emotional support is devastating. I saw two categories of pacients: those who were alone and those who came with someone. Nobody should go through illness alone. This sight touched something in me: in front of disease we are all the same,no colour, no status, no looks, no good brains will save you. At the mercy of divinity here we all stand in the line, ready to swipe that card to pay for a consultation which told us that we're in trouble. Such is life. I felt sadnees, anger, helplessness and compassion.
When I have found out that this lump is going nowhere and that it is not a blob of fat as I thought ( yup, the optimist in me who thought I had too much fat dishes on my plate) I started to count my regrets. Not many came to the surface: just three. Not going to an art university, not finding a compatible partner to get married and having children with. That's it. Simple right? As I stood with myself and this new unexpected information in my life I realized that the things that I was tempted to pursue years ago did not matter to me in such a moment. I realize that life is simple and accomplishment is something connected to what makes us feel joy as simple human beings. I know that it is easy to believe that we can live our life to our fullest just by understanding that time is limited. But guess what? Few of us really understand this unless a fire gets lit under our bottoms.
I have no idea what news I will be told after the MRI. I don't know how I would cope if it would be bad. I have hopes that it would be good and maybe it is just a lump I can live with without worrying too much. Doctors are wrong all the time. Who says that I have to believe what is written on a piece of paper? But as I stood reflecting these days I realized that this lump came into my life to teach me something, to put things into perspective and take me out of my comfort zone again.
With all of my readings in psychology and personal development I will be honest and tell you that I had a tough time to handle this situation with a cheerful mind. The support of my trustworthy friends was and is vital. I realize how much improvement is necessary in the medical hospitals when it comes to the emotional care of pacients, regardless of their situation. I realize that life is about sitting in line, swiping your card and choosing to put a smile on your face as you decide that you're not going to fall into despair as stuff happens to you. What we choose to believe about what happens is more important than the happening itself.
