I can't believe I'm doing this. It was bad enough leaving my family's home in Osaka, but this... this is insane. But that's love for you. Nothing can get in the way - well, almost nothing.
I should start at the beginning. I'm Keiko Ando, and I've lived in Japan all my life. I have a good job working at the Army Library in Ōsaka . I love books and the library is a perfect place for me to work. Or, it was.
I started working at the base library two years ago. It was just after I graduated from high school. My family was very upset when I decided to marry a non-Japanese. My Mum offered to put me up in her house, but I insisted on living with my husband. It's been hard, but I've managed to convince my family that we were happy together.
That's the short of it. The short of it is that I want to get away from this base because I know that one day, I will be forced to leave. My husband just happens to be a soldier in the US Army. If he doesn't get himself shot again, he will be sent back to Indiana to live with his folks in a few months. Once he is gone, I will have no one to keep me here.
I must be crazy for thinking I can live a life in a place I know I will never see again. But I love him, so I can't be selfish.
I love him, but I was living in his dream. He was happy to leave this place and return to the US, but he never expected me to be the one to go with him. I don't want him to leave, but I'm afraid to go with him, afraid that I can't live in his dream. My mother only looks after me because I'm her daughter. I think she would prefer it if I followed in my father's footsteps, working as an interpreter at a brewery. I don't think she will throw me away (my father already did that when I was very young, leaving my mother and me), but I rather not be around to find out.
I don't want to leave Japan, can't you see? It is my home. It will never be Indiana. I'd rather remain here, hiding in a closet behind books. One day Franz will return to America and he will forget about me. He will get on with his life, marry another woman and have children - have a family.
But I can't say 'no' to him. I don't want to lose him. I feel I'm more of a parasite than his wife, living off his pay from the Army.
He just kissed me on the cheek, a deep, lingering kiss. I felt my knees weaken and my heart flutter. Thank goodness he had stopped at the end of the hall. He would not have seen me if he had gone into the room.
He said over a week ago he had to go back to America in a month's time. He asked me to wait for him since it would be 'two people against the world' when he got home. Once he left, everything would be left behind, including me.
Nothing has really changed - except for my longing for him. I couldn't sleep last night and spent the whole night in front of the mirror. I looked tired and old, my hair hung long and dull, my eyes were dull and dark, and my skin looked pale. I was confused and so certain that I could never leave my Japan, my home.
I did the laundry this morning, and I hung it out on the makeshift clothes lines outside. I withered it in the hot springs, and I felt refreshed. I continued on to the library, emptied my pockets on the counter and started doing my work. Franz's uniform hung on the back of my chair, still wet and warm.
I must have fallen asleep. It was a dream, a stupid dream. I can't remember the dream, but I woke up feeling better than when I went to bed.
Franz came off duty in a few hours and I went back to our room to wait for him. His uniform was on a hanger. It was resting on the pillow and a pair of shorts and a tee shirt hung over it, still damp. I slipped into his clothes for him, trying to be quiet about it even though I was alone.
He came straight back to our room. I had many questions for him. Where did he go? What did he do? Did he run into anyone out there? What did he think about? But it had been so long since I asked him anything, so I only asked him if I could be his wife. I still care that I don't have real things, but sometimes I think I'd be just as happy to go to Indiana and be his wife.
"Hold on for a moment" he said. I knew he wanted to talk more, but I had to leave. I wanted to talk more and maybe I could learn something from him, but he asked me to come back to the bed and he didn't want me to leave. He finally held my hand and told me to go home for a bit and come back only when he could get away. I went home and waited for him, but I didn't know what was going on.
He came on duty the next day. He had not told me what he had been doing, and I was worried about him. He looked tired, but he was happy to see me, to kiss me and hold me, to kiss me some more. He was impatient, wanting to get down to business.
It was already noon and he had gone over to the mess hall, so I pressed my ear to the door to listen. I could hear him talking with another man, a sergeant, and then two new men came up to the door and asked what was going on here. It was not Franz. He was still on duty. I didn't know where I was. Then I heard him call out to me. My heart sank and he told me not to worry and to stay in the room. He said I would be back soon and he walked out with his duffel bag. He was gone.
I waited for him, but I did not know where he went and I did not know when he would come back. I wanted to rest, to sleep, to cry, but I knew I would only feel better if I could lie with Franz. I needed to be in his arms. I knew he would not know what to say, but nothing better could happen than to be with him.
I waited in the room a long time, not knowing if he would return or where he was. I was looking at the books when I heard his footsteps in the hall. There were other men on this shift, but I didn't recognize their voices. I knew it was not Franz, and I was too afraid to find out.
I heard everything going on in the hall. A door was forced open, someone walking out. Then there was a sudden blow from an officer. They had found their man. I was still in the room with the door closed. The officers moved on, and I heard foot steps coming towards me. They came for me and I was afraid. I didn’t have the key. Someone was trying to open the broken door knob. I could feel light come through the hole. My heart raced and I was more afraid than when Franz told me that I would be leaving with him.
I didn't know where I was, but I made my way downstairs to the street. I ran down the steps and I ran down the street. I didn't know where I was going, but I made it far enough to get away from the base. I was still afraid even though I was running. I didn't know if they were looking for me. I didn't know who they were. I didn't know what was going on. It wasn't until I was close to the bridge that I began to see.
I was in the city. I had escaped a long distance. I was safe. I thought I was so very far from the base. The he wanted me anyway. He said he would return and leave me on my own.
He must have found out about my home where I come from. My father was a military man, and was stationed at the base. They knew I was here by word of mouth. They had some of the men come and search for me, driving around with search parties. The soldiers were looking everywhere. There were too many soldiers, and there were too many police cars. They found me.
I didn't try to hide. I sat in the chair where he read my letter.