Man, I've been a total jerk today. I was just so pissed. I don't want to get into why, but I know I had that Verizon customer service rep nearly to tears; I could hear it in her voice. I don't like to yell, but I was yelling. Oh, was I yelling. I won't be taken advantage of. Not by anyone. Normally, I let little shit like that go, but I was ready to go to fucking war today. Not guns and bullets, not violence, but everything in my power to tear down Verizon Wireless and render it nonexistent. I could if I wanted to. I can do anything. Destruction is my nature. I do not enjoy it, but I am talented at it. It's just so easy. It feels like God designed me as a weapon. I want to be challenged though. It is so much greater a challenge to be at peace and to forgive others for their natural failings, and sometimes even their outright treachery. Or maybe I'm seeking out the wrong challenges. Maybve I should be engaging my hostility; seeking out the harder targets and softening them up for nature to reclaim. I just don't know. I thought I had been successful in reengineering myself to be kind and thoughtful, but it's really just an ornate veneer. I thought my lies would become me. All I had to do was pretend to be a decent human being and I would eventually become one through habit. It's just so easy to slip back into 29-year-old Brent. He was a fucking monster. A truly dangerous man who didn't feel like he had anything to lose. I thought losing Tina would change me for the better. It didn't. I mean... it filled me with the desire to be a better man, but not the strength to practice it. It wasn't until just before I got my son in early 2012 that I was really ready to change.
