Hello, lovely people.
Like I previously said, I'm going through a rough time with most of my friends because I only want those by my side, who just like me, don't have filters for their wicked and sarcastic thoughts. I'm tired of running behind them and explaining how things are every single time when they jump to fast conclusions without even knowing all the facts... ready to throw everything away just because is not like they want or expect.
Sometimes I want to go back to the old me and keep my mouth shut, forget and forgive, but the new me has too much to lose! It took me a while, but I've finally managed to put myself as my top priority. So, therefore, my needs come first. Why should I even try to please everyone around me, when nobody gets me or my needs?!
For example, my friend A from Inn. Instead of being patient and give me time (like I asked) to solve the fucking problems I have with my ex-business partner, E, mainly because I trusted her fucking words, she's putting pressure on irrelevant, childish matters ("we're not spending a lot of time together")!
I've met E through A, and all of this mess I'm in now trying to recover my money, it's because I thought she knows my personality, what I want, and she'll never introduce me such a douchebag. Apparently, lately, I've found out that those intentions were not completely sincere or done for me (I have so much to tell you guys about it... but I have to wait. It's called respect). Why is so damn hard for her, and most of the people, to make the difference between friends who come and go like the waves of the ocean and true ones, who stand by you no matter the circumstances when you're emotionally or physically wounded! Such a pity that she can't see further than her ego. She only wants to hear that she is appreciated, regardless of her flaws. She'd never recognize that her insecurities and her past amplify her attachment to me, and never understood when I was saying to her to try seeing life with a more positive, realistic attitude.
Anyone can give up, but in my opinion, it's the most cowardish thing to do. I'm stubborn... I always try to make everybody around me realize, that the affection I have for them is the only thing that makes me hold it together when everyone thinks I will fall apart and explode in rage. I'm a genuinely honest person who doesn't gossip behind your back. I say what I think, no matter how harsh it may be. I guess it's pretty reasonable to desire the same in return... from my point of view, that's one of the many friendship qualities: you can be true to yourself.
Right now, I'm fighting a battle with E to get my money back. I had to get a lawyer and sue him, and I no longer have the energy for meaningless arguments and doubtful conversations with my dearest A, when shit shouldn't suppose to happen in the first place. True friendship isn't being inseparable, it's about being separated, and nothing changes, and you still have their backs.
I'm aware that my honesty is something that not a lot of people can handle... that's why I only have a few close friends... but, even so, I don't trust them enough to tell my sorrow because, unfortunately, I still see an erratic behavior with a lack of empathy in many of them. Allow me to be clear on one thing: I love my friends for their unique personality. Somehow, I find a piece of myself in each and one of them... parts that complete me! I've even accepted their ego when they "unintentionally" offended or hurt me. Why?! Well, I had hoped they are doing the same thing for me. For once in my existence I want everybody to understand that I'm nobody's possession and I'm not afraid of showing who I am. I'm done swallowing everyone's shit and pretend to be happy with it when they can't for once even do the same in return.
I never really understood people like A, who demands to embrace her flaws, but she definitely won't accept mine (ironically, there wasn't even mistakes that bothered her but my strong tonality). This whole situation left me with a big question: "Is this what I've been doing the last decade? Did I chased make-believe friends?"
Stay strong, stay positive. Luv, M.
