Lily came back early! I got a call on Sunday, she was bored and wanted to come back 2 days early, and her mom was okay with it and brought her over. We took the chance to settle the "Permission to leave the country" for Lily, so I can take her to Germany on Christmas. I already had bought the tickets - usually, I waited cautiously for her mom to sign the document, and then buy the tickets in case she changed her mind.
But as I wrote in post not long ago, we've come a long way. And those little leaps of faith are necessary to further re-build the trust, little by little, step by step. Each time that she stands to her word, one link of the broken chain is repaired.
It still is the genius of the hole, though. No matter how far we got, we can fall back to square one in an instant.
Hence, I'm still a little nervous when she says she wants to talk to me in person about something regarding Lily. As she did this time. Since she was cool all the time, signed the permission and such without hesitation and even came back to sign a second time after the lawyer (!) screwed up Lily's name (it's not complicated in real life, either) while having the ID in front of him. Reading and writing and being concentrated is just not en vogue anymore...
Anyway. It was one topic that we had already talked about, where she did take the words of someone she didn't know a little to serious, probably because they fit the narrative that she wanted to believe. I did fend that one of, I have to set some limits.
The second one was interesting. She said that I have to watch my drinking. Although her arguments were weak, based again on taking word-of-mouth too serious, she has a point. It's a point that I was making for a while.
"You have to control your alcohol consumption."
And I have been doing that, for a while now. During the year with Lily living here, I refrained from drinking inner week. I'm not talking getting wasted here, just one-three beers (0,5 liter each), depending on company and mood. One reason was that I don't want her to grow up with the impression that it's nor problem to drink a beer every evening, because that can easily turn into a problem without one noticing. Having been around many different addictive behaviors, I'm pretty conscious of that and inclined to preventive measurements, rather too careful than too sloppy.
Not 25 anymore.
Second reason is that my body does react more negatively to alcohol, especially in the evening, and I don't sleep as well, which then leads to less energy. And I need a truckload of energy to be able to pay enough attention to both Lily, my work and my girlfriend, in the first row.
Genes, genes, genes.
Third reason is heritage. My father had a stroke during a brain artery surgery, and recently several stents put into his heart arteries, too. It's a genetic thing, and I have to be tested, soon. Even if I got lucky - alcohol consumption always raises that risk. And I really want to be here while Lily takes over the whole world and then enjoy life under her rule.
The thrill is gone.
Fourth reason is enjoyment. When something becomes a habit, especially while talking about an addictive substance, it loses a lot of the initial feeling. I remember that I never liked to smoke as it tastes really bad to me, but from time to time I enjoyed a drag and the strong nicotine flash that came with it. With beer, it's similar. I enjoy the taste, I like it really much, especially a good, strong Pils, like Jever in Germany. I enjoy the buzz, that light feeling when the alcohol hits.
But as soon as that became a habit, the thrill was gone. The first sips might have the good taste, but then quickly became tasteless. The buzz just wasn't special anymore. But the first two beer on Friday evening after not having had a sip all week? Perfect. That one time I had one beer on a sunny Sunday morning on the rooftop listening to electronic music, enjoying nostalgia from my university days? Priceless.
I want to got back to that. Consciously enhancing special moments with a special taste and feeling instead of numbing them down through a habit with signs of addiction.
I admitted.
And I was able to say that. Not to go against her words, and instead saying "yes, I'm with you on that topic, that's why I do a) and b) and c)." Admitting that my regular behavior is something that affects both me and Lily without debunking the arguments she used, and stating that I have to change that - in front of the woman that usually takes those things, spins them around and guts me with them. She didn't, this time, which was another link in the chain.
And even if, I'm conscious of the work I'm putting into things. I know that I'm on the right path and that I'm doing a very good job on all fronts. She will move closer to us, be more present. I'm confident that she will then see that a lot of the things that she pictured in her mind are different in reality. And I hope that will bring her more calmness and trust, and hence, add more links to the chain.
What are your thoughts about this topic? Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics.
I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI, as well as read your own experience and point of view, I love to learn!
