In the beginning of 2019, when Lily was just shy of 6 months old, her mom took her away from me. It started with her suing me for alleged psychological violence, which was a front to keep my hands tied. It worked nicely, though I tried really hard to have the case move forward quickly, so it would be dismissed. But Ecuador doesn't work that way.
Then, around one month later, we were supposed to meet at the market in Ibarra, so I could spend some time with Lily. They didn't show. My stomach immediately raised alarm, and it didn't take much time to confirm - they had left the country.
I went into active shock, running around, trying to find out what to do. The answer from all sides was clear: Nothing to do. With the lawsuit over my head, she had created the perfect excuse, which was confirmed by a mutual friend who sent me screenshots of conversations. The legal way to recover a child would take 2 years, if lucky, and only if knowing where they are, which I didn't.
She's with her mom, so it's no problem.
The apathy of the system was brutal. The mother is considered the fix point of a family. Fathers are expandable here, with very few rights - which is understandable, given the amount of irresponsible progenitors. But as so many times, there's no room for exceptions.
At least you don't have to pay child support now.
Said one of the police officers at the DINAPEN, the police in charge of child protection. Oh, the irony!
I fought windmills for 2 months. It was horrible, the darkest time of my life. At least I had some contact with Lily, but a 6 month old over the phone - that's not much. I send voice messages, video messages, trying to have her not forget my voice.
There was no end in sight, and my therapist finally suggested to start mourning. To treat this as if I lost my child. She was alive, yes, but seeing her again? That seemed highly unlikely, given the hostility I received from Lily's mom.
So, I did. I started writing a blog, without publishing, like a diary. If Lily ever was to read it, she would know that I never abandoned her. Her real name is rare enough, searching it she would've found the blog if I published it.
I also went to my last Ayahuasca-Ceremony. I had done many until them, but the last one was the most powerful. There's a lot of rules to consider for those ceremonies to be effective, and one of them is to have a purpose. Mine was:
I want to be able to forgive.
I knew and felt that was the first step for healing. Accepting, as hurtful as it was. I didn't have any visions in that one. I sat silently on my bed in the tent with the others, while the shaman was playing music and reciting prayers, with the fire slowly burning down. I thought. I felt. I stared into the fading embers, until they were stirred up again.
In the morning, I sent Lily's mom around 30min worth of audio messages. Something inside me had loosened up. I now saw a path, a cruel, difficult and painful one, but I had the feeling that it would pay off. One month later, after she asked me to send her money for the trip back. And then they were there. I had my daughter in my arms again.
It didn't stop there. The next 6 years were as expected, full of opportunity to grow, to euphemize it. And I took those opportunities, each one. I re-arranged my life several times, always finding a way to stay a present father, solving every problem that the mother threw at me, no matter how complicated.
One year ago, Lily moved in with me. Little by little, the relationship to the mother improved. It's no friendship by any means, but enough have Lily feel comfortable. After 7 years, my strategy bore fruits.
The story has way more facets to it, of course. I did my share of mistakes as well as Lily's mom, and I'm no angel in this. That does not excuse the actions that were taken against what I perceive as the best for Lily. I just want to make clear that it's not black & white. What matters most is that we're making progress.
Post written for the #weekend-engagement by Galenkp inviting us to answer selected questions in the Weekend Experiences community on Saturdays.
This is my response to:
What is the most complicated situation you've dealt with that has worked out in your favour? Explain.
