After a little cleaning and painting work in the morning, we made the short trip to a local pool centre for a swim. I'd like to say it was relaxing, but with it being school holidays, it was less so. It was fun though, and while it was me much belated birthday present, it was actually for Smallsteps. She is getting more confident and comfortable in the water which is good, because I don't want her to be like me - the only Australian who is a terrible swimmer.
Smallsteps said that spending time together was the best bit. And the slide.
When I was a kid I didn't go on the slides. I was a pussy. I think it was not as much that I was not a strong swimmer and more that I felt that there was too much risk. As a kid (and still today) I am pretty risk averse, because I had to do a lot for myself and didn't have much. Without a fallback position, I had to "be right" because I would wear the cost. No one was looking out for me, or at least I didn't feel it most of the time, so risk was the enemy.
A terrible lesson to onboard.
I have tried to have Smallsteps be a bit braver than I was, by supporting her to do things she is a little afraid of - like going on the waterslide. But to do this, I go with her, or I go first, or I a there in support at the bottom. Whatever it is, I have tried to support her to push a little harder than she thinks she can, because I know she can do it.
So many people well into adult life believe they know themselves and their limits, but I think few do. When we have some support to go a little higher, faster, harder - we can surprise ourselves by how reserved we had been.
An example of this was when I was about twenty at the gym and I was bench pressing 60 kilos, and struggling. A big muscly guy I didn't know came over and said, "I think you can do more. I'll spot." He put on another 20kg and I pushed it out. And then another 20kg, and I struggled, but got it up a few times, before he took the weight. So I went from struggling with 60kg to struggling with 100kg in less than 5 minutes.
I had no idea I was that strong.
But he did. A stranger who knew nothing more about me than watching me push 60kg poorly. If it was up to me I wouldn't have even tried, but with some support, the "impossible" came into view and within reach.
Support matters.
And feeling unsupported can be a nail in the coffin, especially for a child. Maybe an adult is able to better process that feeling and move through, but a child will probably make a habit out of it, create strategies to deal with it, and be scarred for life.
Independence isn't all it is cracked up to be.
We should be independent in stone areas of our life, or at least have strategies to cope under normal conditions at least. But, we are never able to be out best when independent. Relationships with others support us to grow, even the bad ones. And while that growth can be negative as in many cases I have experience with, it can also be positive. We don't have to be scarred by a negative situation, if we are able to process it and take away a lesson that teaches us to be better.
Not bitter.
I don't blame my parents for the way I was brought up, because they were just being who they were. At least in my case, I don't believe they were quality parents, even though they each had some good qualities as individuals. If I could go back to that time knowing what I know today, I would have built a strong support and reference group she would help me grow heavily, instead of struggling to do what I thought I could, poorly.
Too many parents these days set no clear boundaries, nor do they encourage kids to grow. They protect them far too much, because it is easier to deal with a scared child, than a crying one who took a risk and failed. But, for the child, it is only easier as a child, because as an adult, life gets very difficult when there is never a risk worth taking, because they are all too scary.
What are we protecting ourselves from, if we don't risk living?
Taraz
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