I met a person who, without even knowing, gave me a lot of inputs to rethink my whole life again. I am rethinking a lot of things the last months anyway. You probably know I have a good reason, a damn good reason to question and think about everything. And this reason is to stay ALIVE for another couple of decades on earth. I always thought this would be granted. Of course I was wrong, we all know life never is granted, but it needs a dangerous time to go through to really deeply realize this. And it seems this only can be seen when you find yourself in the middle of a life attac. That kind of life attac where you are helpless. You cannot use your normal skills to maybe defend, fight, run away. Your used action plans dont work in this area. It puts your feed from the ground. It's unbelievable at first. It turns everything around, makes you question even all good things wich still exist, bring's you down to the deepest and darkest corners of your existance.
Am I too dramatic with these words? There is also another side of this journey:
When you spent a while at this place of grief and dispair, it becomes calm around you. A calmness so deep, you rarely experience. I call it the point of full acceptance. You finally - after spending years and energy to useless stuff worthless for your soul - reach that point where you can see clear what counts. And suddenly you have a deep inner view on so many great things this life has to offer. I always have been someone who apreciated a lot of little and simple aspects. But not that deep way I did after the last months.
But the journey goes on and after a while you get used to the circumstances. It gets familiar to get treatments. You get used to feel a little sick, you get used that you and others think of you as a person who has "the disease".
This whole shit starts to define who you are!
And I think this is a very, very dangerous moment.
The picture of ourselves we paint in our minds will finally become true. Thats the problem I just realized.
I didnt write about C 5/6 by now because I needed to sort things out first. It was a week ago and it turned out, the treatments 1-4 didnt work the way they should. The markers rised a little bit and the ultrasound showed that possibly there is something back in my belly wich shouldnt be there. But ultrasound is not exact, a CT next week will be made.
The doctor was worried and told me "this can not be removed anymore"
What?
They changed to another chemo cocktail wich is not made to remove, but made to stop further growth.
I wanted to give another try with the first treatment, but they told me it doesnt make sense. They also changed the interval of the treatment from 3 to 2 weeks and probably, dont know, there will be more treatments, not only the 6 every 3 weeks. Bang. My whole healing concept destroyed within 5 minutes.
Although I still simply dont believe the doctor's statement it had a big impact to me. It brought a downward spiral concerning that view of myself. I only struggled around, searching for alternatives, not realizing I focus on the wrong things! For a week my true self picture almost disappeared and without recognizing, more and more I cultivated this "sick woman" picture inside me.
Universe always bring's us breadcrumbs, its so important to be aware, faithfully watching and following those inputs.
And it brought that above mentioned person I met here and his posts.
Its all about a guitar, a wonderful south European country, a motorcycle and a life, that shows me how mine could have been in many aspects, in another timeline? Its crazy, it makes me jaelous!
I love playing the guitar, also the Piano. Maybe the Piano is my favorite.
But did I ever take the time to practice?
Stopped motorcycling after a real dangerous situation long time ago and am still fine with that desicion, but I deeply love cruising around with the car, listening to music and seeing landscape passing by.
When was the last time I did?
And Greece, oh my god. A land I always loved. It's a paradise. Coasts with hidden beaches, the sea so blue, pines, fruits, olive oil, feta cheese ...
When was the last time I've been there or at the ocean anyway?
So please tell me, how could I ever expect to get full health back not caring for a lot of things I love, wich are so important to my true self???
These posts about a Journey through Europe and my feelings about the impressions, brought me to the above mentioned thoughts and that insight that the disease started to define who I am. I deeply realized now, this is a very important aspect I really will have to deal very careful with to change.
This is a new aspect, just found it some hours ago while writing in my diary. Have no solution at the moment. Not being defined by a disease, but by the woman I want to be, a mindset thing.
My conclusion. Its okay. The doctors shall care for no further growth at the moment and on the other - more important side - me and my body will cure the rest.
Yours, B. - Thankfull, the breadcrumbs brought me to this important insight.
Because many said they would like to know how I am doing, there is this series of posts. If you are interested how it began...
1 - die OP - "Healing Sounds"
2 - Chemotherapie Erstgespräch - Difficult Wednesday Walk
3 - C 1/6 - Something New from Time to Time
4 - C 2/6 - My Body Knows Exactly What To Like and What Not
5 - C 3/6 - With Glitter Through Challenging Times
6 - C 4/6 - The Perfect Day to say Thank You
all photos by 
this time written in English without translation
