You may have read my March HPUD post. Perhaps not. But yes, I have more time on my hands again! It's bittersweet but I'm leaning toward being productive in general. In my mind, I got my ducks in line but once I looked at my options, the downward spiral started.
Since midnight, I have been scrolling through the photos on my phone and getting myself overwhelmed with ideas relentlessly flooding in. Productive? Right. My brain's bouncing from wall to wall and now, all I could do is write about it as everything else might turn out half-baked... Ugh.
Perhaps it would be less chaotic if I let it flow out like this, even if I don't know where am I even going with it.
If life was a game where I'm the player and I have to die and/or repeat something several times, I probably know where to pick myself up. But alas, this is not a game, there are no controllers to use and I can't anticipate everything life sends my way.
What now? Where the heck do I pick myself up?
Do I wait for the next moment of clarity? When is that even going to happen?
Maybe, just maybe, I can sit with this feeling and let it be. But then again... I've been at it the whole day. I refuse to space out.
And before you jump on it, no, I don't need any advice. I do thank you if you have thought about giving one, though. At this point, I'm pretty sure I still have a grip on things despite the utter lack of organization.
All it is is the feeling of being weirded out - days ago, I had a routine of some sort but that structure got disrupted yet again. I can ask everyone else what should I do or where do I go but I should be the one ultimately deciding on that.
I'm just feeling a bit lost but I'm sure I'll find something along the way.
Starting from scratch also means there's a lot of room to make mistakes. Do you think ahead and ponder about possible errors, put them on a weighing scale, and conclude which one's going to hurt you less? Or do you choose not to choose to protect yourself? Rejection and regret from not picking the other option/s scare you away.
I used to overdo the latter and I'm trying to outgrow it.
Is it just me or do people become more or less reckless as they age? Mistakes start to become part of the fun instead of the problem. A wrong turn at the park becomes a new adventure. A little banter becomes a new challenge to do a thing or two.
To make mistakes is to let yourself open to the possibility of gaining scratches or more. Is it worth it?
Figuring it out rather than thinking about it weighs more to me than inaction. If it works, then it does. If it doesn't, well, c'est la vie.
Nobody knows that my heart's in my throat when I make choices anyway.
Nobody knows that your heart's beating wildly at the anxiety of committing to the wrong choice. Is there even a wrong choice?
Where am I even going with this? Am I still contemplating my fears and decisions or am I luring you to come down the spiral with me? Maybe it's both.
I hope you weren't looking for answers as I don't really have them too. Hehe.
I'll leave you to it. Or heck, hang around and mull over things with me.
Thanks for stopping by.
