The fear is not of getting abandoned but of being loved.
Attachment is scary so it's normal to close all doors that we once kept on knocking. Losing yourself is scary but loving yourself when everything reminded you of how lovable you are is even worst.
When you have to do more than needed to get what you already deserve.
It's hard to cling to present moments when you know you aren't even present because you are merely overthinking about getting lonely
again.
In these cases, parties become a painful reminder about what you are missing in your life, a sense of community.
Then why do people make fun of those who talk to strangers online and share their deepest secrets?
The urge of getting listened to multiplies enough to make anyone spill stories to a person they just met in a shop. These are the people that find closure in books with fictional characters, their escape is that 226 pages book, and funny enough that this book has a finite number of
chapters after reading them you still are all alone with your achievements related to the number of books you have read and people you ignored because you knew they will hurt you or you thought you will hurt yourself by giving them all - having emotions in 21st century
should be a crime.
The trigger that pulls whenever someone says "thank you" or "you are amazing" makes one feel like they are in a home that will be get burned, so they keep on doing great things to make sure it doesn't.
This loop of getting appreciation without telling them makes you seem selfish and self-obsessed, so in the end, when people who said Hi to you say Hi to someone else becomes painful- they were a piece of your art, and you put work on them but now someone else is enjoying the artwork you crafted.
In the grocery store, you go along with confusion, you don't know either to pick this or that because you killed your inner voice in this conquest of making people happy. Creating a perfect image of modesty you forget who defined modest for you- you redefine and then get neglected and unappreciated.
Mind says the opposite of what heart says and this is how you start
fighting with your organs.
Letting someone open doors is interesting until they get to know what is
inside of you - a lonely writer who struggles with communicating, what to pick from grocery aisles.
In this normality of confusion, it's ok to sell people your kindness when they didn't even want to purchase it.