Hi, I'm not sure if this the correct way to join the ComedyOpenMic contest, But today I'll be sharing my stand up comedy Routine. Hopefully you all like it and follow me 
Hi my name is Amir, I'm from Iraq, It is the country so influenced by ISIS that they claim responsibility for you blowing your nose.
One of my main struggles when I was in New York was avoiding saying "Allahu Akbar", mainly so they don't run for cover. But the term "Allahu Akbar" isn't a bad at definition, the literal meaning of it is "God is bigger" and it's not meant to be used a life threatening thing. it's used mainly when we're angry and trying to calm down or just expressing our anger, so we say it so we remember that god is bigger than this and we as believers need to calm down and deal with things rationally, it's also used as a way to start a prayer or call for one. I remember when I learned that I needed to be careful with the term at a police station where I was kept being asked the same question, I got mad and screamed "Allahu Akbar" and before I knew it I had 30 guns pointed at me with the rest of the people laying on their stomachs, that DID NOT help my situation AT ALL
But being from Iraq I know that we do the same thing others, Women aren't as oppressed as here as people seem to think, they can get drunks, get out and have fun, get smokes, and get stoned, sometimes in a way that that makes us lose the oppressing argument.
The terms used elsewhere, I mean if my friend from the UK would talk about how he took his girlfriend to England and how it blew her mind, it would be a story. But if I was to talk about how I took my girlfriend to Iraq and how it blew her mind, it would be a first degree manslaughter.
If I were for an example to say "We Iraqis are the bomb" it would be taken as a threat. If you own a farm with with camels and goats in Iraq you're not a farmer, you're Bisexual. and if you're a man who has sex with other men you wouldn't be called gay, you'd be called dead.
I went back to Iraq after being away for over 10 years for a short visit before heading to New York with my uncle and his son, that was quite the ride, I stood for 30 minutes in line before ahead of a metal detector that doesn't work, they weren't even being subtle about it, Police men and soldiers were going through the metal detector armed with assault rifles and pistols and it wasn't ringing. after going through I was taken to be searched, I was curious I asked the security what he was looking for he said "We're seeing if you smuggling weapons to Iraq" Smuggling weapons? TO Iraq?....... through an airport? I mean we have so many guns we've imported people to hold them.
Anyway going back to Iraq was weird, I mean Iraq is evolving, we finally have mall, I mean yeah we call every big supermarket a mall but it's the Idea that counts. we have international fast food places such Burger Ping, Mardee's, TCPU, And Domino's Lizza. my favorite among all has got to be a Pizza place call Kentucky Fried McDonald's. I mean they went all out with that one.
I spent my entire time there at home, because if there was to describe Iraq it would be "Directed by Michael Bay".
Anyway, I didn't stay long and I was there to meet up with my uncle and his 9 years old son then head to the U.S, we were at the JFK airport in New York after arrival, we were stopped by security guards because of my uncle, he was wearing traditional Arab clothes, long thick heavy beard, I mean if there ever was a uniform that screams threat to airport security it would be what my uncle was wearing. anyway they let us go after...... let's just say they were looking for Rick's mega seeds. so we lost track of his 9 years old son, and my uncle started looking for him full of enthusiasm, me not so much. not because I didn't care but you see my cousin's name is "Osama" and I wasn't going to associate myself with a read-faced thick-bearded man screaming "Osama" at the JFK airport. I mean I was basically a mile away waiting for the moment when security tackle him. but no that didn't happen until he screamed "OSAMA! OSAMA! ALLAHU AKBAR" causing the 8th wonder of the world of having JFK Airport the busiest airport in the world go completely empty.
The voice of him screaming should be the new fire alarm in America, that would make everyone clear the building.
