The many voices that we have within. Those that wish to hold us back and others that propel us forward. I have leaned into both. During my teens and my twenties, I had a voice, that really liked to belittle me. My lack of self worth, finding it's voice.
The silent voice, that feeds your thoughts. That comes from the pit of your doubts. It kept me by myself, when what I really wanted, was to be amongst others. But instead, my thoughts focused on the many doubts I had.
That my friends, didn't even want to be with me. That I wouldn't be welcome. That doubt would pop into my head and I would convince myself that it would be better if I just stayed at home. There's no risk of rejection, if you're not present to receive it.
So, I would only go out, if my friends came to collect me. This allowed me to feel wanted as well. Inside I may have been screaming for more connection, but I was doing all I could to avoid it. So strong was my fear of rejection.
And anyway, I didn't deserve it. To be happy all of the time.
If things did go well, I found myself always waiting for something bad to happen. Because that was how I believed life worked, for me anyhow. There was always suffering around the corner. It was all that I had known.
And I didn't yet know, that it was possible to break the cycle. I just believed that I was destined to follow it.
Living in London, I was so lonely at times. Putting myself, between me and my happiness. I no longer had nature to find comfort it. Not in the way I did, when I lived at home in Ireland, where I could be by myself, immersed in nature. Where I never felt alone.
Yes there were parks, but they were usually full of people. Nature is where I felt safe and protected and I rarely felt safe around people, back in those days. It took me a long time to get to a point where I did. I guess that was another reason why I also kept to myself.
The conscious and subconscious thoughts that governed my life, back then. That held me back.
But slowly, I began to open myself up more. To be more courageous. I had no problem traveling by myself, taking journeys that took me further and further into nature. Sometimes with travelling companions. The more I travelled, the more I opened up, to the world. Finding the courage to connect more deeply with people.
Being able to do what I loved, to travel, to get to explore more of nature, that gave me the confidence to then go on and explore personal human relationships more in-depth. To open myself up to the idea, that actually people did want to be around me, that they enjoyed my company.
Being in nature, is one of the most wonderful ways in which you can practice mindfulness. It allowed me to really reflect on how I was talking to myself. How those thoughts influenced my personal experiences and finally, recognising the power they had over me.
Then, I began to understand, that I carried nature within me and this, this was really empowered me. Because I could carry the confidence I felt there, into every human interaction I had.
