Fast food drive-thru dialogue sheds some light on fake food poisons.
Warning: Extreme Sarcasm
Hungry guy pulls up to drive-thru at McClogger’s Fast Food.
Overbearing Muffled Voice from drive-thru speaker: Welcome to McClogger’s, are you ready to order?
Hungry Guy: Yeah, it’s gonna be a lot, cuz I’m ordering for my whole family. I’m too lazy to cook, my wife is too busy with work, and I’m too cheap to take them to a decent restaurant, so that’s why I’m here.
Speaker: It’s people like you that keep McClogger’s in business, so thanks.
Hungry Guy: So I’ll take an Artery Clogger number 6, please. Does that come on the ultra-chemical loaf?
Speaker: No, the loaf is bigger, so it costs extra.
Hungry Guy: Does that have calcium propionate in it? I haven’t been feeling restless and irritable enough lately!
Speaker: Hell if I know, but I can tell ya this, it makes me fidget like mad after I eat some chemical loaf.
Hungry Guy: Awesome!
Speaker: Would you like the fries cooked in ultra-triple-hydrogenated GMO canola oil?
Hungry Guy: Does it have triple the artery clogging power?
Speaker: I dunno about triple. It’s an experimental oil that some huge corporation wants to test.
Hungry Guy: Hey, at least they’re telling us we’re being experimented on! Usually they don’t even bother to say a damn thing!
Speaker: I know, right?
Hungry Guy: Sure, I’ll give it a shot. Sounds tasty!
Speaker: It is! And you can really feel the clog!
Hungry Guy: Great! I love the lightheadedness from intense artery clogging! Can I get double processed imitation cheese product on that?
Speaker: Sure thing.
Hungry Guy: And could I have some extra brain fog secret sauce on the side? I dunno exactly why, but I can’t get enough of that stuff!
Speaker: Who doesn’t love being an MSG addict?
Hungry Guy: I’ll also need a 20 piece fried synthetic quasi-chicken balls. Do those have real meat in them?
Speaker: It’s between 5-15 percent real meat.
Hungry Guy: So between 85-95 percent filler?
Speaker: My manager said to not legally say that, but…..
Hungry Guy: But what?
Speaker: I’m winking right now.
Hungry Guy: I can’t see you. You know that, right?
Speaker: Of course.
Hungry Guy: Hey, what’s this McClogger's Onion Special?
Speaker: It’s a new menu item. We take a GMO onion, fry it 3 times to seal in extra fat from the fry oil, then baste it with pure bacon grease, and sandwich it between 2 jumbo fried donuts. Then we delicately sprinkle powdered sugar on top.
Hungry Guy: Wow! I’ll take 3!
Speaker: That’s great. I’ll just need you to sign a medical waiver. It’s standard procedure for more than one order of McClogger's Onion Specials.
Hungry Guy: Sounds reasonable to me!
Speaker: Anything else?
Hungry Guy: Yeah, 3 super jumbo high fructose corn syrup drinks. My kidneys haven't been challenged enough lately, ya know? Gotta keep 'em on high alert.
Speaker: Makes sense to me! Your total is 66 slave survival tokens. Please pull forward.
Hungry Guy pulls car up to window.
Hungry Guy: Prices sure keep going up, don't they?
Worker: Tell me about it. Your bill is like 6 times my hourly wage, before extortion!
Hungry Guy: Can I pay with my face? I want to make sure this transaction gets logged in all of the authoritarian databases.
Worker: Yes, sir, no problem.
Hungry Guy looks at phone and does cheesy grin, payment goes through. Worker hands hungry guy 3 greasy bags. Data added to hungry guy's control file on various authoritarian networks.
Hungry Guy: Thanks, have a good night!
Worker: I'll try, but I won't, cuz I'll be here.
Hungry Guy: I know.
Worker: I appreciate you saying that with a straight face, though.
Hungry Guy: I try.
Thanks for your time and attention!
Just say "NO" to slavery!
Top image is from wikimedia commons
