That moment when you invite your girls over and y’all start gushing over your mans. Everyone’s talking about how romantic and caring their boyfriend is and the air is filled with “Awwwnnnns” and dreamy glances and the place is just serene.
Then you decide to join in on the fun and talk about your own man, but two minutes into talking, everyone’s face is filled with shock, confusion and sympathy, and they’re all staring at you with pity. You even catch a whisper in the back “poor girl, she doesn’t even know”.
Let me first provide some context by quoting the Google definition of a toxic relationship.
A toxic relationship is one in which two people don't communicate or relate to one another in healthy ways, and where conflict easily arises. In these relationships, at least one person tries to minimize the other's perspective and increase their competitive nature.
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In the above scenario, the girl is unaware that she’s in a toxic relationship and believes that how her partner treats her is normal. This is more common than we think it is. In some cases, the girls know that their partner treats them awfully but for reasons best known to themselves, they decide against leaving.
I’m going to be sharing personal experiences and I do hope we learn from my mistakes or at the very least get entertained 🤗.
Thankfully, majority of the guys I’ve dated were wonderful, thoughtful people that showed me nothing but pure and intentional love. That being said, I have also come across some not so genuine people.
There was this one relationship in particular that altered my perspective on life… and not for the better. In the beginning stages, I was showered with love and attention, and if you know anything about girls, we adore attention. Little did I know that it was all a hoax, a ploy to draw me in? The moment he noticed that I was fully invested, he shut it all down completely.
The only thing I can compare the feeling to is; how addicts feel when they are starved of their drug and are going through withdrawal syndrome. It partially destabilized me mentally and physically. I kept seeking him like a drug, and accepted every morsel of love thrown my way. It was quite pathetic on my part 😏.
He treated me wrongly and I put up with it because I had grown so emotionally attached to him -or at least the idea of him- that I developed an unreasonable fear for my life if we were ever to depart.
I devolved into a shell of my former self. And during this period, I had distanced myself from friends so I lacked a voice of reasoning or encouragement. This went on for a month and a half…
Quite frankly, I wish I could claim that one day I became fed up with it all and decided to dump his sorry ass, but I would be lying. What really happened was I eventually got ghosted.
At first I couldn’t believe it. It felt like someone died. I mourned him and the “relationship” we had; if you can call it that. I often found myself in depressive states, which had a significant impact on me. I was too ashamed to open up to friends around me.
Guess what though? I pulled through in a matter of weeks and moved on with life.
Not gonna lie, a major factor that really helped me move on so quickly was school. I was in the middle of transitioning into a new year so a lot was required of us and I decided to channel all my energy into making the most out of that particular school year.
It was after I had completely gotten over him, and healed, that I began to re-analyse the whole situation with newfound clarity. Only then was I able to recognize the blazing red flags that had always been there. I had successfully ignored the signs, all because of my sick infatuation.
Moving forward, I started to give audience to the voices in my head; that instinctual intuition that nudges us in the right direction when we consciously can’t make a decision.
I eventually confided in a friend; told her all about it. She reaffirmed the toxicity and destructive tactics that he had used on me. It was during this conversation with her that I became familiar with the terms "Gaslighting"and "Love bombing"; after having experienced the both of them firsthand 😅.
After this unfortunate experience, I made a lot of personal discoveries. I’ll mention a few of them;
I was wayyyyyy too naïve - I had no prior experience so there was no basis to criticize his actions. That definitely can never be me ever again. I have learnt all the lessons I need to.
I learnt not to be judgemental; proper experience and failures in life will teach you not to be quick to judge people, no matter the situation.
Even if certain behaviors may appear foolish to you, you won't completely understand them until you find yourself in a similar circumstance.
It forced me do a lot of self reflections and healing mentally and emotionally. That was the one upside to it.
I realized the importance of setting standards and keeping to them. Very important!
Pieces of advice I would give to people in the same situation are;
Set standards for yourself and stick to them- standards are non-negotiable.
Get conversant with the signs of a toxic relationship so that it gets easier to fish them out in any circumstance.
If you’re not sure, talk about it with close trusted friends or family.
Pray to your God.
Thank God for Growth 😅😅
