I saw this answer not too long after I’d penned yesterday’s post. It gives a very plausible reason for why I feel the way I do about my therapeutic relationship—this sense that it’s beyond repair even though objectively it’s not even broken.
It has to do with expectations. Expectations I was somehow trained to have, programmed to have, even. Regardless of what people actually do, on some deep level I expect them all to be narcissistic towards me. Maybe they’re wonderful people towards everyone else. But for some reason, being narcissistic towards me is what’s good for me, what I deserve, what people will inevitably to to me—it’s only a matter of time. Something like that.
The first part of this answer sets it up so well. The relevant part for me ends with the words “It’s heartbreaking, especially if you care.” The rest is good, just takes the thoughts in a different direction that’s not relevant to what I’m wrestling with right now.
I can see this script playing out in my therapeutic relationship. The way it started is described so perfectly in this answer.
We’re now at the part where I let down my guard and… committed the unforgiveable sin. That happened this past summer. And now I’m desperately trying to vindicate myself in his eyes. Crusader has been activated and is convinced aborting the mission would be a really bad idea.
I know this is not anywhere near what’s really happening, does not reflect my therapist’s true feelings towards me. Objectively there is nothing about me that needs to be vindicated. Objectively he thinks no less highly of me than he always has. Unconditional positive regard has not suddenly been thrown out the window. Objectively our relationship is not even broken.
But the script screams loudly in my mind, activating my feelings, practically putting me into mourning. Mourning over a relationship that feels like it’s beyond repair, has passed a point of no return, will only deteriorate further from here on out, will only be kept up as a polite charade for the sake of appearances.
It’s scary to me how convincing it all feels! How can something so grossly inaccurate still feel so accurate, so real? What’s even more scary are other ways in which this dynamic has played out in my life, mostly a product of the machinations of my own wounded mind. I’ll stick with talking about how it’s playing out in my therapeutic relationship but please understand that’s not even the most important one here. Once again I thank God from the bottom of my heart for having given me a strict moral code!
I hope and pray my wounded emotions will soon know the Truth and in so doing, be truly set free.